One Tough Week, One Good End

Life has been tough this past week and a half. After returning from Florida, I went to Arizona to a family reunion. I had a lot of fun. I'm glad I went, but it was hard. It was awfully hard.
I was terribly nervous. I can't recall when I've ever been alone with my dad. When we've ever just had daddy-daughter time. I wasn't sure how it was going to be-what it was going to like. I could barely remember any of his extended family, although I have come in contact with a few via blogs/email.
The first day I was there, I spent the day cooking with Dad. He taught me how to make his famous potato salad, and also how to make enchiladas. Mine were disgraceful. He needed to teach me right. It was great being there with him, learning. We also played his guitars. It was my first time playing a twelve string. It was different, but fun. That night, I went to the Lyons house to stay. The Lyons served a CES mission in my area, but now live near my dad in AZ. It was wonderful to see them again. I really missed them. They were my adopted grandparents out here.
The next day, Tia Anna, Dad, Riley, and I headed to the reunion. When we arrived, all sorts of people started hugging me. It wasn't a big turn out, but I still only recognized a few. I would hang around in conversations and wait til someone's name was said before it registered who it was. I knew which cousin was from which aunt or uncle, but I didn't know them between their brothers and sisters. Some of them I had to ask my dad who it was because nobody would say their name. I felt rather embarrassed I didn't even know my own family. It had been 8 years since I last saw them, and I was a little girl then.
I had a lot of fun conversing with them. There had inevitably been marriages and births, so I got to meet new spouses, second cousins, and step cousins. Everyone was...aged. Aunt Kathy put together a R.E.E.L (Riley Elden & Eva Lou) Trivia game. I was surprised at the answers I knew, but I knew little. Some of the questions brought on memories. I listened and laughed as my cousins told stories of our grandparents, but I coudln't help feeling out of place. Left out. I missed something. I missed something big. I didn't have any stories of my grandparents. I don't know them. I don't know the things my granpa always said. I had really missed out. I had missed out on 8 years of memories. Things I will never have. It was really hard for me to choke back the tears. I never realized how much I had missed out on. Not only with my granparents, but all my cousins.
Dad seemed happy I was there. He had never smiled like that at me before. I know it meant a lot to him. Saying goodbye was the hardest thing. I didn't know when I'd see everyone again, or if I would. I felt immense sorrow for everything I had missed, and everything I'm probably going to miss. I had never felt this before. Hugging my father goodbye in the airport was hard. I don't know when I'll see him again. This weekend was our first time together, alone. We had, as gay as it sounds, bonded. When I left there was something there that there wasn't before. Something that never would've happened if I wouldn't have come. As I stood there, weeping, in his arms, about to depart back to my life, I felt, for the first time, love. As much as he's said 'I love you' in the past, I never felt it. I certainly never believed it. But this weekend, I felt he loved me. I realized that no matter how far away a parent may go, no matter how long they are gone, they still love their child. So much of my life has been spent wondering, and wishing. Now I know.
It scares me. It scares me a lot. I feel vulnerable. Words will never explain the pain that comes when a parent abandons you. Worse yet, it is never over. The void of them not being there at events, such as prom, or graduation, or pageants, still hurts just as much as the day they left. It was a lot easier when I resented him. It was a lot easier when I wanted nothing to do with him. But now, I have forgiven him. I have let go of the expectation of the "Ideal Father" and accepted him for who he is. Not what I want him to be. He has the choice of who he is. I have the choice to accept it, or be bitter. I love him. I love him no matter what he does. Whether our relationship persists, or not, it doesn't matter. He will always have my love and my prayers. That is the difference between the easy road, and the road less traveled.
Yes, this weekend was hard, but it was well worth it.
Back into the swing of things. Work, school, church callings. I went about busily with my days, as usual. Friday, my mom called. She sounded upset. What was the matter? "I'm sorry, Miranda, but Rick shot himself today." What? No. Why? What?
I worked for Rick a little over 2 years in high school. He was a good boss, and I loved being his employee. I loved his wife, and his daughter, whom I also worked with/for. Rick was great. He became like a brother to me. Someone to always tease and be teased by. Countless buckets of ice cold water have been dumped. I have been covered in icing, or powdered sugar, or flour. I once ruined a $4000 check in his pocket from dumping water on him. He didn't get mad, although I was scared. He did, as always, get even. I'm going to miss him.
I am sad. Death, I can deal with. Suicide is another thing. There is no reassurance he's in a better place. There's no comfort. There's no solace. No peace. What I am saddest about is the thought of how hopeless he must have felt. The state of mind he must have been in. Who knew he was carrying that around? Could I have spoken a kinder word? Could I have had better actions? It's really made me reflect on my state of mind. I battle with seasonal depression. Winters are hard. At one point in my life, I did try to die. I wanted to. I know the sorrowful places Rick was at. Lucky for me, I had a friend in the right place at the right time, and I held on. When times get tough, and sometimes even when they don't, suicide still crosses my mind. No, I would never. I force the thought out. I refuse to harbor it. If I had done what I inteded during my teenage years, I would've missed out on so much. My niece, and nephews. I love them more than anything. My high school friends are the best people on earth. The love of my life, Sean. My experience in college. The experiences I have yet to have in college. The friends I've made here on the east coast. What would I do without them? The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Something of which I've only been active about 18 months. I would've missed out on a lot.
To lose hope is the saddest experience here in this mortal life. I am grieved that Rick had lost his. I have hope in Christ. I will never lose that. I may lose everything else, but of that, I will never let go. I am beyond grateful that I could be a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. It continues to strengthen me daily. Without Christ, I would be nothing. I know who I was when I didn't allow him in my life, and I will never go back to that.
The words of General Conference this weekend were greatly comforting, and inspiring. I could not have needed General Conference more than I needed it at the end of this burden-full week. President Gordon B. Hinkley is a prophet of God. He, and the Apostles speak the truth. The pure, divine, sweet truth. I love them, and pray for them. I am grateful for them, and all of my blessings, even through heartache.

Hang on. If nothing else, hang on. There is more to life than what is happening now. I could never have forsaw the joys I would experience, and I cannot forsee the joys I have yet to celebrate.