The Inevitable has happened.

I got it. I finally got it, and I can't help but feel...sick to my stomach...among a lot of other feelings. Stupid. Foolish. Hurt. Sick. What did I get? I got THE letter. The letter every waiting girl dreads, but usually gets. I got Dear Janed.

He lost himself to the Lord. That's a great thing. I'm glad. That's what he needs to do. I am still trying to lose myself to the Lord.

He spoke of the little time we had together before he left. Yeah, it wasn't very much, but everything we had was different. It was worth waiting for, or was it? I can't help but feel stupid. How could I have given my heart away so readily to him? I was never that willing with anyone before. Stupid. I hardly knew him. Why did I trust in him so completely, when it is otherwise hard for me to do so? Foolish. I have stuck by it for the past 18 1/2 months, and now, I'm single. Not just semi-single. Completely and utterly single. Yeah, I've been single before. Many times. But I fell in love with this one. He was it. Foolish. You can't decide that in so little time.

I did a lot of things wrong. I'm gonna regret them. I wish I didn't think of him so much. How come the future never goes according to plan? Well, I suppose that does make planning my immediate future a little easier. I wasn't sure whether to stay here or go back to Utah. Not sure it would be worth it to go if things didn't work out, but now I can plan my life more by what I want to do, not by the possibilities of what might happen. He won't move across the country for me. And I can't go back for him. I feel sick.

I will still write him. The worse thing I could do is lose conctact. I feel the possibility of us continuing is slim, but I can't close off all possibility. If there is a chance, I'll take it. Risky. Part of me doesn't want to know. I don't want to be hurt. Oh, but never to know would be worse.

Here is what I will do. I will write him news-y letters about happenings. I will be friendly and upbeat. I will not think about our future. I will not think about when he comes home. I will make plans for me, but keep them flexible, just in case. I will date. I will have fun. I will live my life, grow, and learn. I will be the best me I can be. I will not worry about it anymore. That is what I will do.