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Tuesday, August 21, 2007

It's all in me 'ead

Boy, a lot is swirling around up there. Where to begin? I've been daydreaming a lot today and retracing the events of this same day one year ago. What a crazy day. Who'd a known that day, that I'd be where I am in a year. And here I am. Celebrating my first dating anniversary- with my husband. Crazy. But it's been the best and hardest year of my life. There was so much I left behind. So much of my life that I gave up. And so much I gained. But I still long for Connecticut every day. I can't wait to go back there sometime next year. I miss the Steinbergs so bad. And even some of their neighbors and the girls' friends. That wild Nicola, that fiesty Mariem, that sweet Julia. Sarah's daily rants of Molly, crazy Michelle, and crazier Becka. I even admit that I kinda miss sitting in the cold watching Sarah at her horse lessons and having her try to get me to come near that thing. She never did achieve her goal of getting me on that horse. I also miss NYC. I sure loved being in that place. It was great. I miss feeling so needed, especially in the church. I miss my ward family. The Vellingas. The Smurthwaites. The Harris'. And Yes, even Brother Bucks dry monthly testimony. I miss the Bishop and his most wonderful wife. And now I am going to miss the triplets. Those little tyrants. This morning Tamara informed me that they have decided it would be better to put the children in day care and no longer need me. I cried all day. I have no idea what I'm going to do with myself. All I know is that I can't nanny again. I recall the words Mrs. Epstein (a neighbor in CT) told me one day while walking the kids to school together. She had been a nanny too. She said "At one point, I finally got sick of falling in love with other people's children and having to leave them." I didn't understand what she meant, really. I was perfectly happy with my dear Bonnie and Sarah. And then I left them. And now, I love those three little terrors and I have to let them go too. I just can't do it anymore. It's too hard. I think of Sarah and Bonnie every day. When things happen to me, random things that only happen to Miranda, I just want to tell Sarah. She loved my crazy stories. Bonnie makes me cry everytime she calls. I have no idea how people put their children up for adoption. I love those girls like their my own. I'd a done anything for them. Leaving them was by far the hardest thing I've ever had to do. That whole family was so wonderful. I miss Mike's daily "Did you ever think maybe I could do both?" and Felice was always there to talk to. I loved our late night talks. Some nights I even miss King Kong, Jezzabelle, and Chippy (our pet spiders). Sadly I had to kill Chippy because he was getting too big to live in my curtains above my bed anymore. I wonder if Jezzy and King Kong are still alive.

For a while now, long before that traumatizing accident after the Fray concert, i've been thinking a lot about death. I wonder what it's like. I wonder how it'll feel. I wonder how I'll go. How old I'll be. How much I'll leave behind. Will I go before Trevor? Do I really believe what the Church says about life after death? Is it really that simple?Will I feel any great loss? Or will it really be just natural? I don't know why I'm always wondering about it lately. It makes me nervous. Why would such things be on my mind? Is it because I've known of so many untimely deaths recently? Is it because I'm reading a book about war and death all around? But I've been thinking about it long before I began the series. Hmmm.....

On our drive to Idaho a few weeks ago, Trevor and I were talking about the Bridge Collapse in Mississippi. He casually sighed "It's just another sign of the second coming." But then I really started thinking about it. The Second Coming had always seemed like such an abstract idea to me. Something prophesied and true, but never seems like it's actually going to happen. It's just kinda vague. But I started imagining what it would be like. Would I be ready. When I've thought about it before, I've always imagined the joy I'd feel in seeing Jesus Christ again. But this time I thought of it in more of a reality. What about all those I love that don't believe as I do? If it were to come true in my life time, I would think that I'd be happy but also full of sorrow at the same time. I think it'll be a great day of weeping. Sure, there will be joy. But what of our brothers and sisters? What of all those I love so dearly, but don't believe in Jesus or God or anything? I think my heart will be joyous but heavy. It will be so bittersweet in the fullest meaning. Do you think Jesus would weep as well? He surely loves all those as much as (if not more than) I. It brings a new meaning to "the Great and Dreadful Day of the Lord."