I'm lovin' it.

I'm not completely moved in yet. It's hard finding places for your things. Trevor and I have been very blessed. Pretty much everything in our living room is free. We got a very nice black leather couch, futon, and black chair from a very well off friend of my brothers. He was remodeling and wanted to get rid of it, so we kindly took it off his hands. It's all really nice too. Last summer, while Trevor was doing summer sales in California, he met a woman who had a beautiful piano in her garage. She said she didn't want it anymore. He asked her the price. She said that if he could get it out of her garage that day, it was all his. Also lucky for us, Trevor's uncle is in the piano business. He goes to California occasionally and picks up a few, so he stored it for Trevor while he went to Connecticut, and then brought it to us. It is a gorgeous piano. It's got beautiful carvings and real ivory keys. It an antique, but plays beautifully. I love it. We also got a coffee table and end tables from a lady in Leah's ward. So we have a well furnished apartment, for a price I just adore. Once I get all moved in, you can come visit.

I love being married. I love that kid so much. He's so great. He's so patient with me, good at resolving conflict, great at massages, full of gratitude and good at expressing it (he learned to for sure from his parents. I've noticed they are like that too.), and handsome, a good kisser, my best friend, and tidy. I could go on forever. It's quite an adjustment to say the least to move in with some. All the boundaries I had before have moved or vanished and it's a bit different. But I wouldn't trade it for the world. I love him so. I love waking up to him in the morning and falling asleep with him at night. Sigh. I highly recommend getting married, at least when it's right. In the right way and the right place. Never never never compromise it.

Can't we all just get along?

I am burdened and very surprised at the way my family is acting. Most of all I'm just sad.

I feel unsupported. I'm so excited to marry Trevor. This is supposed to be the happiest time of my life, so why is no one happy with me? Aunts, siblings, my mother, nobody. Except one. The only one that has really even been around Trevor and I a lot. The only one that sees what I see in him. Which is a lot. Because he's an all around good guy. I've been especially sad (it brings me to tears at the thought) that I got a bridal shower in a room full of people I didn't even know, but when I'm in the place that I grew up. With people I've loved and known for years, no one even cares. I was told today that I'm just being selfish. Yes, we need the gifts. I won't deny that. We're poor. Very poor. But it's not really about that. I thought when I found the person I wanted to make eternal families with that I would celebrate with the ones I love. That I would be surrounded with happy and joyful and all that great stuff. They won't even celebrate with me, and I'm being called selfish for wanting my loved ones around.

In church yesterday, my bishop gave the combined priesthood/relief society lesson. He talked of some couples he married civilly since he's been bishop. He told of one couple where it was only them. They brought no family and said they wanted none there. He said what a sad thought that was. He also said that is the marriage that is struggling most. I don't know this couple's circumstances, but I am beginning to feel that way (except for Trevor's side. They've been wonderful. More than wonderful. I feel very welcomed and accepted into their family.) I just wish my family would show to him, my dearest love and treasure, the same kindness that his has shown me. After all, would they like it if I was being treated that way by his family? I don't understand why he's being ostracized. I don't understand why they're being so harsh. I don't understand why they're judging things so quickly about things they barely know. I don't understand the gossiping and the back biting. I don't understand about all the talk about his mistakes and "red flags" when they don't understand the whole background of everything. I don't understand this racism. And yes, that is what it is. I'm not gonna sugar coat it. You're being racist! Stop it!

The bottom line is he's not pulling me away. You are pushing me away. I am going to love him until the end, and I have no doubt that he will do the same for me. I love you Trevor J. Williams. I love you with everything I've got.

Wedding complaints and stresses

I don't care. I really don't. I don't care if it's green. I don't care if it's yellow. Either way it works. Heck make it pink. I don't care if it's country or rock. As long as it's not quiet or lame. (Ok so country is lame, but Trevor likes it so there's nothing I can really do). The only thing that really matters is that Trevor and I go to the Temple and get sealed for time and all the eternities. Also, I don't want the reception to be lame and boring (which is why I'm looking into dance dance revolution, karaoke, and pudding on flambe.)

And as for your opinions on whether you think Trevor is right for me or not, you can keep them to yourself. You've been around him a grand total of five minutes, and you already didn't like him because he's not the one you chose for me to marry. And now you're mad because I've made my own decisions on what I want for, oh that's right, my own life. Other dude was great. I'm glad I dated him. I'm glad we had such a good time together. But other dude left, and I sought out adventures of my own. He changed. I changed. I dated lotsa guys (2-3 a weekend at some points) and what I wanted changed. Other dude is not what I want. You'll see when he gets married and is really happy that things are so so much better this way. That she's better for him. And you'll see that Trevor is what I really want. Because he fits everything just right. And he compliments me so much better, and I him. We laugh together. And I just can't wait until we're married. So, if you think that I couldn't tell that you were talking about him as we stood happily in each others presence across the room, then maybe you should think again. I've been to junior high. I recognize those quick glances and hushed tones. Gossiping with others who have been around him even less than you. And now you're gonna wonder when you get my "obligation" announcement why I didn't invite you to the temple ceremony, because we're supposed to be family and we used to be best friends. And you're probably wondering now why I haven't answered your phone calls or taken you up on that free dinner you owe me. Or perhaps you're wondering why I don't come around more because I simply adore your children. Maybe it's because I know my priorities. I know who is going to help me to eternity. I know who I was commanded to cleave unto. I know who I'm supposed to be with. I have never had a clearer personal revelation than when I asked whether to marry Trevor, or see what happens with other dude.. I trust in the One who knows best for me, who knows me best. And there is no doubt that Trevor is to be my Eternal. He makes me happy, and more importantly I love to make him happy. It's the most rewarding thing I can do. I live for the twenty minutes we get to see each other between work and school. My heart aches for him all day. I wait for the time when he can just crawl in next to me after class, and we can hold each other all night. I love him.

And man, I wish those invites would get here already. We're little over three weeks away from the big day, and they're not even here yet. Think I'm stressed?

New job, New place, New life

Well I started my nanny job for four year old triplets. Two boys, one girl. I love it. They are funner than the funnest fun thing. They take about 4000 times more energy than my last job, but at least I'm never bored.

Alyssa is the boss. She rounds up the boys and keeps them in line. She also likes to keep to herself and play dolls.

Justin is the cuddler. He's the sweetheart. He's the most calm of the three.

Dylan is definitely not calm. He's the one you can't turn your back on for a second. If you do, he'll be in the fish tank eating the seaweed. Believe me, I know. He's done it.

Oh but they're so fun. I love storytime the best. When one is on my lap and the other two are leaning on my arms. It makes me want to be a mom sooooo bad. I can't wait to read to my children!

The basement apartment I am in is cold. It also likes to collect stinkbugs. So I have a wonderful smell constantly waiting for me. It is also very small. My closet back in Connecticut was bigger than this kitchen. Luckily it is only for a few months until I have a husband and we find an apartment together. The tenants upstairs are noisy. Their children often run rampant in my place. It's like a tornado came through. They're just lucky that I love my little neice and nephew more than anything. I love that they come and jump on my bed and throw my things all around. I've missed them so much. It's great to hang with Leah on my time off as well.

Everything is so different. I feel like I've just moved back from a foreign country. Everything is so slow paced and it's driving me CRAZY! It still surprises me how many church houses I see. I'm not used to that.

Also, I miss Trevor. I see a lot less of him now that we both work, and his school starts in two weeks. That will be even less time together. Luckily, it's only a few months, and then I'll get to see him every night.

I like it. I like it a lot.

I like being engaged. It is a lot of fun. People have been asking me if it feels any different than dating. Nothing has changed much. I feel a deeper level of commitment than just dating. It also opens up doors that we can talk about. Things we need to talk about. Also, it has enhanced how much I love him. I've dated others and talked a little about marriage. I've thought about what life would be like to be with them, but things happen and the relationship ended. Trevor and I had talked about marriage before, but I was still holding off, because you never know. People I thought I was going to marry just didn't work out. But now that we're engaged and I know it is going to work out, it's so much easier to just let things flow. I like talking to him about everything. My favorite is just talking about our days at the end of the day. I love being around him. I have never been with anybody that I've liked to be around so much. I usually need a break from them, but Trevor is just so wonderful to be around. I love him. I can't wait to be his wife.

I don't think marriage will be much different. I just can't wait to not have to say good-bye every night. I can't wait to wake up next to him every morning. And, obviously, there won't be any more of those certain temptations to fight. That's hard right now. Except it's not so hard when we're really careful not to be in a situation where it's tempting. I can't wait to make his dinners and pack his lunches and kiss him good-bye for work and just be his wife. I love him so much. He's just perfect for me. *sigh* I'm smitten.

I really don't have much to post this time around. Perhaps that's why it's been so long since I've posted. Sometimes things happen and I start thinking about a bunch of things. Then I think "oh this would be good for my blog." When it comes time to sit down and type, nothin. I got nothin. So this is how I usually start. I find that when I've been typing, things start to come to mind that I can put.

My roomate left me today. She announced two days ago that she's moving, and now she's gone. It was quite a surprise. She was planning to move at the end of March, but suddenly decided she'd rather go now. So she spent yesterday and this morning packing, and now she's gone. I'm so surprised, and sad, and kind of relieved. It will be nice to have the place to myself. I can leave my things where I want, and I won't have to smell her fresh baked bread and try to keep myself from eating it. I won't have to have girl talk and refrain from singing loudly in the shower. Oh who am I kidding? I don't refrain from singing loudly in the shower. She quite enjoys it. I always hear her laughing (the walls are paper thin). And I won't have to hear her comments about my performance after I get out of the shower. I won't even have to wait for the shower. Or hurry because I know she's waiting for me. I hate sleeping alone in the place. I get scared. I got scared while she was home for Christmas. And I get lonely. Especially during the day while Trevor is at work. I'm gonna miss her, but I'll see her soon. She moved to Utah, after all.

Oh, the kids are home from school. I guess I'll cut this one short. I miss Kat.

Psychology and Photography

I'm increasingly interested in my psychology class day by day. We just finished studying motivation and personality. I learned a lot about myself, my motives, my patterns, the gospel (believe it or not), and my relationships. I learned about how much I really tell about myself in my actions. I knew that I told on myself in some way or another, but I never realized the extent to which I tattle. Just reading and studying made me want to change and be better (perhaps to tell better things of myself, and still maintain congruency in my conscience?)

Also aiding in my realization was my photography class. When our photography assignments are due, we pin up our pictures on the back wall. Then the professor goes to each and every picture and we as a class pick it apart. We say what components make it a good photograph. Then we interpret the feeling the artist is portraying. We have done this several times, but this time was especially different. As the sememster has gone on, I've talked to and gotten to know all the people in my class, so listening to the mood of their work told a lot about them. Sometimes the mood we interpreted wasn't the mood the artist was trying to portray, but instead a mood that reflected on them (which was true of one of my photos. I tried to portray something getting under our skin, but the class interpreted beauty and new life. They also said a lot of things that revealed me. Pretty weird.) They did that to all four of the photos I displayed. They all had a theme, which I didn't realize, but all four showed the beauty of feminine power. Which is something I focus on and feel as I prepare for marriage and future motherhood (which in my opinion is the ultimate beauty). Very interesting, indeed.

Winding Down

So it's been ongoing stress basically since September when I returned from my brother's wedding. It's been one of those 'when it rains, it pours' kind of times. Trevor has seen me through all of it, one thing after another. He's seen a side of me that I don't think any other guy has seen, or would have stuck through. But Trevor did. He's still here, and get this, still in love with me! That only makes me love and trust him more to know he sticks through the hard times. It all could've been worse, but even so, it's still been pretty tough. Things are really tight this month with my car breaking down at all. The repair bill took all of my Christmas money, and most of my moving money. Trevor had been out of a job for a while, and has little money for the holidays. We decided to just stay put for Christmas. It's sad, but we don't have much. And certainly wouldn't have enough for plane tickets. Part of me wanted him to just go on and have a wonderful holiday, but I knew if I suggested it, he'd boycott it immediately. He won't even go to the store without me. I don't think he'd leave me for the holidays. So we discussed our options and resigned to having a meager holiday with just the two of us-something that brought me to tears every time I thought about it. I really wanted to meet his family. He talks about them with such a love. Also, we really have nothing here. Neither of us has any family, and Christmas isn't anything without family.

Well, his entire family has sacrificed getting presents just so we could be there. I was so deeply touched after getting off the phone with his mother yesterday at how much they want their brother to be there. I have the feeling that this is one awesome family. I found some pretty inexpensive tickets today that we can afford, with the help of his family. I'm so excited that we can make it there after all. Although it will still be hard, because I've never been away from my own family at the holidays, I'm excited to be a part of his.

On top of that, a lot of the stress has dispersed. The car is working fine, and that can finally be off my mind. All the troubles I've been having with "Sally" are over (for me at least). Sure, I came out with no friends, but I'd rather be alone than stuck in endless contention. I'm not alone anyway. I've got my wonderful boyfriend. Also, things are better with him than we've ever been. We love each other very much. We knew there was something special from the get go, but we had some communication issues like crazy. It was very frustrating for a while. But we've been reading "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" by John Grey. It has changed everything. I understand him, and he understands me. We've learned how to grow and support and nourish each other. It feels great. I love him so very much. I can't believe it. I highly recommend this book to all couples. Both married or dating. It will improve everthing. I promise.

I am stressed!

There's too much to do and too much to pay for and not enough money! I'm supposed to be moving in six weeks. All of my moving and Christmas money just went to my car. Now I'm stressed. How am I going to do this all? There's no way! Stupid car stupid breaking down. Just when you save up and think you have enough, life happens. Sheesh.

Who am I to disagree?

I have not slept well in over a week. Maybe two. How can I? My best friend is in more trouble than she realizes. There's been nothing but contention and tension in my house. I don't do well in contention. I'm much too positive of a person.

Here's the story. My best friend, "Sally" is in a relationship with a very controlling and manipulative guy, "Frank". He's emotionally abusive. A lot of people disregard that. But it's real, and it does a lot of damage. Real damage. Believe me, I know. I was dating an emotionally abusive guy for quite a while and it took a lot of work to get past all that damage. Painful, hard, work.

Sally has been with Frank off and on for quite a while. Years, in fact. They've even been engaged. Twice. I hadn't ever really been around Frank, but while he was gone, I talked a lot to Sally about him. How she felt, what she thought. She continued to talk to him on the phone every night. She'd talk about how she missed him, but also talk about all she didn't like about him. Things he needs to change. Rule #1 in dating: NEVER try to change him. You gotta like him as is because he's not going to change and it's not fair to expect that of him. If he's not what you want, move on and find what you do want. Don't try and make him what you want. Anyway, I met Frank in the winter. He wasn't very happy. Nor was he congenial. I didn't expect that of him, given the circumstances (which are not important right now). So I didn't judge, and I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Sally continued to talk to him every night on the phone. I never thought this was a good idea. It's not that I didn't like Frank, it was just hard on her. And, I'm sure, hard on him. She knew that she didn't want to marry him, or really even date him at the moment. So why was she dragging it out? That only kept her and him both from moving on. And it was only harder on the both of them. Rule #1 in breaking up: do it all the way. Don't do any of this half stuff. If you think you need to end the relationship, end it. Don't keep them tied to you in any way. Don't be tied to them in any way. Move on. It's hard, but move on. There's someone better out there.

Frank finally moved out here, and I finally got to see who he really is. It scares me. I have seen the progress Sally has made over this last year. She's come a long way in trying to heal some of the damage he's already done. He came in and undid all of that work. He tears her down, and I can see my dear friend withering and dying inside. I hate it. It's killing me.

One night, Frank was over at our apartment. Tension had already been high since Frank didn't get along well with my other roomate "Betty." Betty, Sally, and I had sat down previously and agreed on some apartment rules. One of which was to have guests out of the apartment by 11 pm on weekdays and midnight on weekends. This was to be curtious to each other so that if others wanted to sleep, they could. Frank seemed to have it in his head that only Betty wanted and enforced this rule. Not so. We all agreed on it. If we didn't want it, we wouldn't have agreed. Betty was out of town. I could tell Frank didn't plan on keeping the rule. I was having a hard day, and wanted to go to bed. Trevor was also over with me. It was 10:57 pm. I warned both the boys that they only had three more minutes. Frank, out of nowhere, started yelling at me about what a hypocrite I am. I only keep the rules when I want. He doesn't have to do what I say. I sat there calmly as he treated me this way. When he was finished, I simply said, "All I am saying is that you are a guest, and I'd appreciate it if you acted like one." He went off about how he's not my guest. I said, "I didn't say you are my guest. I said you are a guest." Then I went outside to say goodnight to Trevor. I didn't appreciate that he would treat me like that in my own home. I will not be yelled at in my home. Nor will I be belittled like that. I was mad. I didn't feel like talking at all the next day. Particularly to Sally. I was upset that she would allow him into our home. I was upset that she would allow him to undo all of her work. I was upset that she was regressing. Most of all, I was upset that I couldn't do anything about it.

Later that night, after I had calmed down, Sally and I had a talk. Frank and Trevor were both there, anxiously waiting in the living room. They didn't like that their girlfriends were fighting. I told Sally about how much I love her. I told her about when she moved here, it was her first time away from her parents. She was unsure of herself, and unsure of the world. I watched this unsure girl bloom into a beautiful, confident woman. I told her of how this confident woman has gone away and I don't know where she went. I miss her. I also talked to her about what I wanted in life. I want to be that couple that hosts bbq's at their house. I want to be that couple that has a hard time getting out of the church because we talk to everybody. I want to be that couple that is social. I need a guy that can be that with me. I wouldn't want a guy that seems to make enemies everywhere he goes. That jumps to conclusions, that jumps to anger, that accuses. Because it would be hard for me to make friends with a husband like that. I also told her of a girl my brother was dating. Her mother hated my brother. And even though my brother is a good guy, her mother couldn't get past mistakes he had made. This girl loved him and wanted to marry him, but she realized that if she did, it would be a fight for the rest of her life. She would inevitably have to choose him or her mother. She didn't want that fight for the rest of her life. It wasn't worth it. I asked Sally if she wanted that fight for the rest of her life, because that's what she would have. She'd never stop battling. I also told her about love. About how love is not jealous, and love is not selfish. Love is a beautiful thing. Love helps you grow. Love helps you reach your potential. Love is not building one up while tearing the other down. Although some like to say that's love. Love is not a battle. When the right one comes along, everything should fit. Everything just flows. My brother found a woman who fit so much better. Although he wanted it to fit with the other, he's glad he waited. I wanted to create love with my exboyfriend, but try as I might, I just couldn't make it happen. You can't force things.

Sally had a lot to think about. She got away from Frank for a few days, and it seemed her head was clear. She knew she couldn't be with him. But once Frank found her again, it was like her brain had escaped her. His thoughts were now hers. He knows exactly what to say to her. He's so good at what he does, and I hate it. After that, Sally was pure livid at me. While Sally was away, clearing her head, Frank tried to get into our apartment. He scared my other roomate, Betty, so much that she wanted to call the police. After that, she announced that Frank was no longer allowed over. I supported her 100% because you should feel safe in your own home. You have that right. She was now scared of him. Sally was very mad about this. She was mad at me about this. But, I was not the one who did this. If you ask me, it was Frank. His actions are reaping those consequences. I didn't like being yelled at, and Betty didn't like being threatened. And somehow this was my fault. I did feel badly. I wanted Sally to have guests and have fun and be comfortable in her own home. But being a guest is a priviledge. If you can't act like one, then you just can't come in.

On top of my best friend being mad at me, Trevor was as well. He didn't like the way I was treating Frank "like trash." But the way I see it is Franks actions earned those consequences. I'm not trying to be cruel. I'm not the kind of person that singles someone out and decides to be really mean. I have never been like that, nor will I ever be. But when people start crossing lines and making me feel unsafe, I can not tolerate it. That is absolute. I had to draw the line, and I had to support my roomate drawing the line.

Sally was really mad. But all the mean words she said to me one night in the car after I picked her up from Franks house just sounded like Franks words. It didn't sound like my friend at all. I was trying not to be hurt, because I knew it wasn't her. That's not like her at all. And the tension just kept rising.

Trevor and I took a break from all this and went down to DC for a weekend. When I came back, Sally had moved out. Betty had kicked her out. I, once again, supported Betty. Sally had broken the rules and let Frank in. Sally would also leave before we woke up in the morning, and didn't return until we were asleep. And when she didn't avoid us, it was nothing but anger. Betty couldn't live like that anymore (in fact, none of us could) and also decided Sally would be happier in a place that felt more like home to her. So Sally is gone. That doesn't mean I don't still worry about her.

Before I left for DC, Betty and I expressed our concerns to the Bishop. As head of our congregation, he should know about the welfare of his people. He seemed very surprised by all that was going on, and also gravely concerned. He listened to us, and counseled with us on what we can do. Then he gave us each a blessing. It was the most comforting blessing I had ever recieved. Not only about this whole situation, but all that's going on in my life. My dating Trevor, my decision to move to Utah, everything. It was exactly what I needed to hear, and I knew that only the Lord could know those things to say.

I was praying to the Lord that night. I asked Him if I am doing everything I could possibly do for Sally. One word came quickly to mind. "Fast." I had not fasted! Why didn't I think of it sooner? So Betty and I fasted the next day for Sally. That evening, I was ending my fast in a prayer for her. I felt a huge surge of comfort come over me. I think everything is going to be ok.

Now that Sally is gone, I don't really know what's going on with her. I hope she's ok. I'm still worried about her. I hope that she can make the right decisions. I hope she remembers to council with the Lord. I know He'll guide her. I most certainly love her. She is outstanding. All I want is my friend back.

Please, read up on abusive relationships, or personality types of abusers.

I think the best thing I can do now is get educated on abuse, and let her know that I am here for her if and when she needs me. And also to rely on the Lord.