I like it. I like it a lot.

I like being engaged. It is a lot of fun. People have been asking me if it feels any different than dating. Nothing has changed much. I feel a deeper level of commitment than just dating. It also opens up doors that we can talk about. Things we need to talk about. Also, it has enhanced how much I love him. I've dated others and talked a little about marriage. I've thought about what life would be like to be with them, but things happen and the relationship ended. Trevor and I had talked about marriage before, but I was still holding off, because you never know. People I thought I was going to marry just didn't work out. But now that we're engaged and I know it is going to work out, it's so much easier to just let things flow. I like talking to him about everything. My favorite is just talking about our days at the end of the day. I love being around him. I have never been with anybody that I've liked to be around so much. I usually need a break from them, but Trevor is just so wonderful to be around. I love him. I can't wait to be his wife.

I don't think marriage will be much different. I just can't wait to not have to say good-bye every night. I can't wait to wake up next to him every morning. And, obviously, there won't be any more of those certain temptations to fight. That's hard right now. Except it's not so hard when we're really careful not to be in a situation where it's tempting. I can't wait to make his dinners and pack his lunches and kiss him good-bye for work and just be his wife. I love him so much. He's just perfect for me. *sigh* I'm smitten.

I really don't have much to post this time around. Perhaps that's why it's been so long since I've posted. Sometimes things happen and I start thinking about a bunch of things. Then I think "oh this would be good for my blog." When it comes time to sit down and type, nothin. I got nothin. So this is how I usually start. I find that when I've been typing, things start to come to mind that I can put.

My roomate left me today. She announced two days ago that she's moving, and now she's gone. It was quite a surprise. She was planning to move at the end of March, but suddenly decided she'd rather go now. So she spent yesterday and this morning packing, and now she's gone. I'm so surprised, and sad, and kind of relieved. It will be nice to have the place to myself. I can leave my things where I want, and I won't have to smell her fresh baked bread and try to keep myself from eating it. I won't have to have girl talk and refrain from singing loudly in the shower. Oh who am I kidding? I don't refrain from singing loudly in the shower. She quite enjoys it. I always hear her laughing (the walls are paper thin). And I won't have to hear her comments about my performance after I get out of the shower. I won't even have to wait for the shower. Or hurry because I know she's waiting for me. I hate sleeping alone in the place. I get scared. I got scared while she was home for Christmas. And I get lonely. Especially during the day while Trevor is at work. I'm gonna miss her, but I'll see her soon. She moved to Utah, after all.

Oh, the kids are home from school. I guess I'll cut this one short. I miss Kat.

Psychology and Photography

I'm increasingly interested in my psychology class day by day. We just finished studying motivation and personality. I learned a lot about myself, my motives, my patterns, the gospel (believe it or not), and my relationships. I learned about how much I really tell about myself in my actions. I knew that I told on myself in some way or another, but I never realized the extent to which I tattle. Just reading and studying made me want to change and be better (perhaps to tell better things of myself, and still maintain congruency in my conscience?)

Also aiding in my realization was my photography class. When our photography assignments are due, we pin up our pictures on the back wall. Then the professor goes to each and every picture and we as a class pick it apart. We say what components make it a good photograph. Then we interpret the feeling the artist is portraying. We have done this several times, but this time was especially different. As the sememster has gone on, I've talked to and gotten to know all the people in my class, so listening to the mood of their work told a lot about them. Sometimes the mood we interpreted wasn't the mood the artist was trying to portray, but instead a mood that reflected on them (which was true of one of my photos. I tried to portray something getting under our skin, but the class interpreted beauty and new life. They also said a lot of things that revealed me. Pretty weird.) They did that to all four of the photos I displayed. They all had a theme, which I didn't realize, but all four showed the beauty of feminine power. Which is something I focus on and feel as I prepare for marriage and future motherhood (which in my opinion is the ultimate beauty). Very interesting, indeed.

Winding Down

So it's been ongoing stress basically since September when I returned from my brother's wedding. It's been one of those 'when it rains, it pours' kind of times. Trevor has seen me through all of it, one thing after another. He's seen a side of me that I don't think any other guy has seen, or would have stuck through. But Trevor did. He's still here, and get this, still in love with me! That only makes me love and trust him more to know he sticks through the hard times. It all could've been worse, but even so, it's still been pretty tough. Things are really tight this month with my car breaking down at all. The repair bill took all of my Christmas money, and most of my moving money. Trevor had been out of a job for a while, and has little money for the holidays. We decided to just stay put for Christmas. It's sad, but we don't have much. And certainly wouldn't have enough for plane tickets. Part of me wanted him to just go on and have a wonderful holiday, but I knew if I suggested it, he'd boycott it immediately. He won't even go to the store without me. I don't think he'd leave me for the holidays. So we discussed our options and resigned to having a meager holiday with just the two of us-something that brought me to tears every time I thought about it. I really wanted to meet his family. He talks about them with such a love. Also, we really have nothing here. Neither of us has any family, and Christmas isn't anything without family.

Well, his entire family has sacrificed getting presents just so we could be there. I was so deeply touched after getting off the phone with his mother yesterday at how much they want their brother to be there. I have the feeling that this is one awesome family. I found some pretty inexpensive tickets today that we can afford, with the help of his family. I'm so excited that we can make it there after all. Although it will still be hard, because I've never been away from my own family at the holidays, I'm excited to be a part of his.

On top of that, a lot of the stress has dispersed. The car is working fine, and that can finally be off my mind. All the troubles I've been having with "Sally" are over (for me at least). Sure, I came out with no friends, but I'd rather be alone than stuck in endless contention. I'm not alone anyway. I've got my wonderful boyfriend. Also, things are better with him than we've ever been. We love each other very much. We knew there was something special from the get go, but we had some communication issues like crazy. It was very frustrating for a while. But we've been reading "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" by John Grey. It has changed everything. I understand him, and he understands me. We've learned how to grow and support and nourish each other. It feels great. I love him so very much. I can't believe it. I highly recommend this book to all couples. Both married or dating. It will improve everthing. I promise.

I am stressed!

There's too much to do and too much to pay for and not enough money! I'm supposed to be moving in six weeks. All of my moving and Christmas money just went to my car. Now I'm stressed. How am I going to do this all? There's no way! Stupid car stupid breaking down. Just when you save up and think you have enough, life happens. Sheesh.

Who am I to disagree?

I have not slept well in over a week. Maybe two. How can I? My best friend is in more trouble than she realizes. There's been nothing but contention and tension in my house. I don't do well in contention. I'm much too positive of a person.

Here's the story. My best friend, "Sally" is in a relationship with a very controlling and manipulative guy, "Frank". He's emotionally abusive. A lot of people disregard that. But it's real, and it does a lot of damage. Real damage. Believe me, I know. I was dating an emotionally abusive guy for quite a while and it took a lot of work to get past all that damage. Painful, hard, work.

Sally has been with Frank off and on for quite a while. Years, in fact. They've even been engaged. Twice. I hadn't ever really been around Frank, but while he was gone, I talked a lot to Sally about him. How she felt, what she thought. She continued to talk to him on the phone every night. She'd talk about how she missed him, but also talk about all she didn't like about him. Things he needs to change. Rule #1 in dating: NEVER try to change him. You gotta like him as is because he's not going to change and it's not fair to expect that of him. If he's not what you want, move on and find what you do want. Don't try and make him what you want. Anyway, I met Frank in the winter. He wasn't very happy. Nor was he congenial. I didn't expect that of him, given the circumstances (which are not important right now). So I didn't judge, and I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Sally continued to talk to him every night on the phone. I never thought this was a good idea. It's not that I didn't like Frank, it was just hard on her. And, I'm sure, hard on him. She knew that she didn't want to marry him, or really even date him at the moment. So why was she dragging it out? That only kept her and him both from moving on. And it was only harder on the both of them. Rule #1 in breaking up: do it all the way. Don't do any of this half stuff. If you think you need to end the relationship, end it. Don't keep them tied to you in any way. Don't be tied to them in any way. Move on. It's hard, but move on. There's someone better out there.

Frank finally moved out here, and I finally got to see who he really is. It scares me. I have seen the progress Sally has made over this last year. She's come a long way in trying to heal some of the damage he's already done. He came in and undid all of that work. He tears her down, and I can see my dear friend withering and dying inside. I hate it. It's killing me.

One night, Frank was over at our apartment. Tension had already been high since Frank didn't get along well with my other roomate "Betty." Betty, Sally, and I had sat down previously and agreed on some apartment rules. One of which was to have guests out of the apartment by 11 pm on weekdays and midnight on weekends. This was to be curtious to each other so that if others wanted to sleep, they could. Frank seemed to have it in his head that only Betty wanted and enforced this rule. Not so. We all agreed on it. If we didn't want it, we wouldn't have agreed. Betty was out of town. I could tell Frank didn't plan on keeping the rule. I was having a hard day, and wanted to go to bed. Trevor was also over with me. It was 10:57 pm. I warned both the boys that they only had three more minutes. Frank, out of nowhere, started yelling at me about what a hypocrite I am. I only keep the rules when I want. He doesn't have to do what I say. I sat there calmly as he treated me this way. When he was finished, I simply said, "All I am saying is that you are a guest, and I'd appreciate it if you acted like one." He went off about how he's not my guest. I said, "I didn't say you are my guest. I said you are a guest." Then I went outside to say goodnight to Trevor. I didn't appreciate that he would treat me like that in my own home. I will not be yelled at in my home. Nor will I be belittled like that. I was mad. I didn't feel like talking at all the next day. Particularly to Sally. I was upset that she would allow him into our home. I was upset that she would allow him to undo all of her work. I was upset that she was regressing. Most of all, I was upset that I couldn't do anything about it.

Later that night, after I had calmed down, Sally and I had a talk. Frank and Trevor were both there, anxiously waiting in the living room. They didn't like that their girlfriends were fighting. I told Sally about how much I love her. I told her about when she moved here, it was her first time away from her parents. She was unsure of herself, and unsure of the world. I watched this unsure girl bloom into a beautiful, confident woman. I told her of how this confident woman has gone away and I don't know where she went. I miss her. I also talked to her about what I wanted in life. I want to be that couple that hosts bbq's at their house. I want to be that couple that has a hard time getting out of the church because we talk to everybody. I want to be that couple that is social. I need a guy that can be that with me. I wouldn't want a guy that seems to make enemies everywhere he goes. That jumps to conclusions, that jumps to anger, that accuses. Because it would be hard for me to make friends with a husband like that. I also told her of a girl my brother was dating. Her mother hated my brother. And even though my brother is a good guy, her mother couldn't get past mistakes he had made. This girl loved him and wanted to marry him, but she realized that if she did, it would be a fight for the rest of her life. She would inevitably have to choose him or her mother. She didn't want that fight for the rest of her life. It wasn't worth it. I asked Sally if she wanted that fight for the rest of her life, because that's what she would have. She'd never stop battling. I also told her about love. About how love is not jealous, and love is not selfish. Love is a beautiful thing. Love helps you grow. Love helps you reach your potential. Love is not building one up while tearing the other down. Although some like to say that's love. Love is not a battle. When the right one comes along, everything should fit. Everything just flows. My brother found a woman who fit so much better. Although he wanted it to fit with the other, he's glad he waited. I wanted to create love with my exboyfriend, but try as I might, I just couldn't make it happen. You can't force things.

Sally had a lot to think about. She got away from Frank for a few days, and it seemed her head was clear. She knew she couldn't be with him. But once Frank found her again, it was like her brain had escaped her. His thoughts were now hers. He knows exactly what to say to her. He's so good at what he does, and I hate it. After that, Sally was pure livid at me. While Sally was away, clearing her head, Frank tried to get into our apartment. He scared my other roomate, Betty, so much that she wanted to call the police. After that, she announced that Frank was no longer allowed over. I supported her 100% because you should feel safe in your own home. You have that right. She was now scared of him. Sally was very mad about this. She was mad at me about this. But, I was not the one who did this. If you ask me, it was Frank. His actions are reaping those consequences. I didn't like being yelled at, and Betty didn't like being threatened. And somehow this was my fault. I did feel badly. I wanted Sally to have guests and have fun and be comfortable in her own home. But being a guest is a priviledge. If you can't act like one, then you just can't come in.

On top of my best friend being mad at me, Trevor was as well. He didn't like the way I was treating Frank "like trash." But the way I see it is Franks actions earned those consequences. I'm not trying to be cruel. I'm not the kind of person that singles someone out and decides to be really mean. I have never been like that, nor will I ever be. But when people start crossing lines and making me feel unsafe, I can not tolerate it. That is absolute. I had to draw the line, and I had to support my roomate drawing the line.

Sally was really mad. But all the mean words she said to me one night in the car after I picked her up from Franks house just sounded like Franks words. It didn't sound like my friend at all. I was trying not to be hurt, because I knew it wasn't her. That's not like her at all. And the tension just kept rising.

Trevor and I took a break from all this and went down to DC for a weekend. When I came back, Sally had moved out. Betty had kicked her out. I, once again, supported Betty. Sally had broken the rules and let Frank in. Sally would also leave before we woke up in the morning, and didn't return until we were asleep. And when she didn't avoid us, it was nothing but anger. Betty couldn't live like that anymore (in fact, none of us could) and also decided Sally would be happier in a place that felt more like home to her. So Sally is gone. That doesn't mean I don't still worry about her.

Before I left for DC, Betty and I expressed our concerns to the Bishop. As head of our congregation, he should know about the welfare of his people. He seemed very surprised by all that was going on, and also gravely concerned. He listened to us, and counseled with us on what we can do. Then he gave us each a blessing. It was the most comforting blessing I had ever recieved. Not only about this whole situation, but all that's going on in my life. My dating Trevor, my decision to move to Utah, everything. It was exactly what I needed to hear, and I knew that only the Lord could know those things to say.

I was praying to the Lord that night. I asked Him if I am doing everything I could possibly do for Sally. One word came quickly to mind. "Fast." I had not fasted! Why didn't I think of it sooner? So Betty and I fasted the next day for Sally. That evening, I was ending my fast in a prayer for her. I felt a huge surge of comfort come over me. I think everything is going to be ok.

Now that Sally is gone, I don't really know what's going on with her. I hope she's ok. I'm still worried about her. I hope that she can make the right decisions. I hope she remembers to council with the Lord. I know He'll guide her. I most certainly love her. She is outstanding. All I want is my friend back.

Please, read up on abusive relationships, or personality types of abusers.

I think the best thing I can do now is get educated on abuse, and let her know that I am here for her if and when she needs me. And also to rely on the Lord.

I love you more today than yesterday

So, I'm really in love with this kid. It's pretty crazy. It used to scare me when I was falling for someone, but I'm not scared with him. He makes me feel safe. I like it.

I've been thinking about the dating scene a lot, and how I'm about to be out of it, and how all my dating experience has shaped me and my tastes, and how Trevor fits all of them. The more I learn about him, the more I love him. The more he's for me.

I've been with guys that I've really liked, but there's always been a but. I like him, but he doesn't want a lot of kids. I like him, but he's kind of judgemental. I like him, but I'm uncomfortable in telling him what I want. I've been dating all these likes that come with buts. It's been great. I've really learned something with all of them. I've discovered something new about myself with all of them. Example: I always thought I could be a good listener until I started dating one dude who really liked to talk. I realized I can't be the listener. I have to talk too. He never let me have any input and I hated it. I learned how much attention I really do need. I can listen in a give and take convo, but I can't just be a listener. I need a listener. In another relationship, I learned that I can't be with an only child. I need him to be from a big family. I want lotsa aunts and uncles for my kids. It's just something I couldn't get past.

I've been making this little checklist in my head. I've been discovering more and more things that I do and do not like. That I need and don't need. It's kinda funny. I'll get done with dating one guy and say "Well, he was fun, but we couldn't have a real conversation." Then the next guy comes along who can have a good conversation, but he doesn't seem to broaden my horizons. Then the next guy comes along who does stretch my mind, but and can be spontanious and have fun, but he's not ambitious. God keeps puting these guys in my path to teach me a little something I want and need. I keep getting the one thing I wanted from the last guy, but discover something else this one lacks, until progressively I get what I want.
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I've met my match
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He's all I've been asking for. He's all that I've wanted. He's all to my taste. He's all that I love. God knew what He was doing when I was dating all the Mr. Wrongs. He was teaching me how to recognize Mr. Right. And certainly how to appreciate him. If I hadn't dated all the boys I had in the past 2 years, I don't think I would've appreciated Trevor near as much. I sure love him.

Favela Rising

I went on a date last weekend with the boy from the last post. Although he didn't do so well the weekend before, he did rather well this time.

He took me to see a documentary called Favela Rising. It really made me think. The filming took place between 1991 and 2004(ish). It's about a man named Anderson Sa who was born and raised in the ghetto, or favela, in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. After a terrible murder of his brother, the drug trafficker decided he wanted to fight the violence in his favela. He founds a music group with a man by the name of Junior. It revolutionizes not only his favela, but many other surrounding favelas. Gangs dissolve. The number of druglords deplete-all through music and getting kids of the streets. It's an amazing story. You'd have to see it to believe it.

My favorite part of the movie is that Anderson and his group make phenomenal music. An international record company signs them. I'm thinking, "Great. That's the way it always goes. He tries to make a difference, gets fame, and sits pretty the rest of his life. He won't help anybody but himself." Well, he doesn't. He refuses to leave the favela. Many asked him why he would do that, when clearly he can afford a better life. He tells them he can't help his community from the outside. Those are his people and he's not leaving them. All their proceeds go back to the community. Back to the kids. Back to the music.

The living conditions in the favelas of Brazil are far worse than anything I have seen here. I couldn't believe the way some people live. My first thought was how unbelievably lucky I am to be born where I was born in the conditions of living that I was raised in. I take so much for granted. So much. There's much more suffering in the world than I realize. Daily suffering.

My next thought was this; if he can make such a difference in such a hopeless place, then surely there must be something that can happen here. At one point in the movie, the government wanted Anderson to branch out and found a group in a neighboring favela. He explains how he can't. He doesn't know their problems. Music has solved problems in his favela, but he doesn't know the conditions there. He doesn't know the heartache there. He explains how they have to want it. They have to know what to do, then he can go in and help them do it. The solution lies with in. It made me feel somewhat helpless. I don't know their conditions. I don't live their lives, and I don't know, really, what goes on. It has to come from within the community. This change that I seek for them.

At what point do we say "Enough" and change our worlds? Although it's wonderful and truly amazing what Anderson did, he had to wait until all his friends and finally his brother had died before he did anything. What can be done?

The dating game

Games. Sometimes you win. Sometimes you lose. I love winning, unless it's Phase 10 with the Vellingas. It's better to lose then. But that's beside the point. The point is dating is, whether we like it or not, a game. So many people complain about the head games involved in dating, and they want to get past them, yadda yadda yadda. But they still play the head games. And when they find someone who doesn't play games like they think they wanted, they get bored. It's unsatisfactory.

The truth is, we need the head games. They aren't just games. They are tests. Every little thing is a pass or a fail. Not the whole time. Not eventually. Just initially. It tells us whether it's worth it to invest our time, and more importantly, our feelings. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.

So I'm in the game. I'm playing my cards. I've learned new tricks. One's I've never known before. I'm excited to try them out. This game, like every game, is a little different. They all have their quarks and variations. I've studied this player (not to be confused with playa) for a year. I've been interested, but circumstances wouldn't let us start our game. Circumstances have changed. I'm excited. He's cute. He's got character. I like him.

The game has dealt me a new hand. He goes for surgery.Twice. I can't say I've been in this situation, but it's nothing I can't handle. Besides, this gives perfect girlfriend opportunities. I can visit. Bring him food. Entertain him. Perfect, if I can play them right. Things are going well. One thing I didn't forsee. Medication. This one threw me for the loop at first. I didn't think about that, and he acted kinda funny. I didn't like it. But be patient. That's only temporary. He'll be back to himself in no time. I think I played that round pretty well. Too bad I'm not sure if he can remember it.

Next round. First kiss. This rocks. I liked it. But post first kiss is scary. There's pressure on the first one, but not pressure like the second one. First kiss could've been a fluke, or happened on a whim, or just something that happened because he was there, and I was there, and sometimes that happens. The second kiss is where it's at. That one is more planned. That one is more than a fluke. That's going out on the limb. That's pressure. Is he gonna kiss me the next time? Will we acknowledge it? Who knows? I hope it's not a fluke. It wasn't for me. 3 days go by. He never calls. I certainly don't call. That's a bad card. But I'll see him tonight. It's institute. We'll both be there. Is he gonna sit by me? Show in public that we like each other. That things have changed between us? It doesn't go so well, but things were crazy. There were lots of loose ends to tie before the big campout weekend. That's understandable. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. This round is left slightly confused and unsure of the next round.

Next round. Camping. One whole weekend for opportunities. This boy is shy. I understand that. In rounds past, I have had to be slightly more obvious that I liked him. It's part of the game. He needed more motivation. But now we are post first kiss. The chemistry is there. Still pressure, but not as much since we have seen each other since. He makes opportunity for alone time. Good move. I take it. Second kiss happens. Nice. Pressure relieved. It's not a fluke. Still the question of "so what now?" He's feeling better from surgery. It's his turn to make things happen. Time for me to step back. Gotta do the dance. See what happens. Hmm. Not much. Doesn't do too good a job at making himself where I am. You know, being around each other. Sitting by me, or standing around me, or going to activities I go to. He makes conversation with others he's more comfortable with. That's ok. He's shy. But he doesn't acknowledge in public very much that I'm there, or that there's something more between he and I than he and everyone else. Not digging that. Campfire that night after not-so-well-played day. I'm feeling kinda done. I'm not gonna try. It's all up to him now. I concentrate on hanging with my friends. We went off to go catch fireflies. Perhaps to avoids some of these stinky he-didn't-play-it-right feelings. But when I join the others around the fire, he does manage to come sit by me. Good move. It shows me something. We sing as he and another play the guitar. He eventually passes it on to somebody else. His hands are free. That's a good sign. He ends up sitting in front of me and leaning on me. Ok. That's acceptable. Everyone's there, so he's being a little more public. That's good. Everyone goes to bed. We walk around in the night, talking. Not holding hands. He doesn't do that very much. We say good night. I get a nice hug. People are still up and talking in their tents, so a kiss would've been no good. The next day, hardly anything. Not very much opportunity for anything, though, with packing and church. When saying good bye, he did give me a hug in front of people. Thats a good sign. That rounds over. Still feeling unsure, but more done. He didn't play his hand well at all. He ditched me in Niagra Falls. He didn't sit by me in the pageant, or in church. That's no good. Also, somewhere in there, I wandered in some poison oak and had a terrible allergic reaction. He didn't act very concerned for my well being. Not a good sign after all the care I took after his surgeries. Not good at all.

Today is the day after. I haven't gotten a phone call. Still nothing. I don't feel like he's puting much effort in this at all. I'm feeling more done as the day goes by. I'm still not completely closed off yet. But if I don't get a call before thursday, I'd have to say I'm done. I need some effort. He's got to take some intiative. I did do more chasing with him than I normally do, just because I undertand he's shy, but I don't do all the chasing. I am, after all, a lady.

Sadness

My ward is great. It is a very...unique....ward. I'm definitely not in Utah anymore. On one hand, you've got the very rich and rather wealthy people. Some families have expensive *cough* nine million dollar *cough* mansions. On the other hand, a majority of my ward is from the Ghetto. The ghetto of ghettos. The poverty in this place is unbelievable.

Last week, I had the oppurtunity to miss sharing time and go to relief society. A woman was there who was baptized, but hadn't been there for years. She took the oppurtuntiy to speak out about how we're hypocrites and unfaithful because we aren't bringing her to church. We don't dare go in the ghetto. Those of us who do have cars, myself included, have a full car everysunday. I know a couple that brings two cars just to get others to church. I have gone in some scary neighborhoods to pick people up. I know another family who only has one seat in their car, but still goes to get someone. Some families come in pieces just to get to church, and they all meet up at the building later. There is a lot we do. We just don't have enough cars to get everybody. My ward as about 5-600 members, but only 100-150 show up. There are a lot of inactives. We do our best, but it's impossible to seek them all out every sunday. Those who want to go, go. They find rides. They call around. It gets done. Sometimes I even make two trips just to get people to and from church. It happens.

This last sunday, I was sitting in sharing time, and it seemed there was an abundance of adults there. The kids were behaving well, and it was rather sparse because of 4th of July weekend. I thought, "I could probably sneak out unnoticed and go to relief society." But then I thought, "No, I like to sing with the kids." So I decided to stay in sharing time. It was grand. Appearantly, in relief society there was, once again, quite an uproar. The lesson was, of course, patriotic. How we should be thankful for our freedoms. One woman piped up about how america is fake. There is no real freedom for black people. That got everyone fired up. Another one talked about how they lied to her when she left africa. She thought this would be a better life and now she's stuck. She's stuck in poverty and danger. Although I can't completely understand what they go through everyday, I still would like to say that the only think that keeps us stuck is not the color of our skin, but the state of mind we are in. Oprah Winfrey was raised in aweful circumstances. Look at her now. I could say the same for Condaleeza Rice. The color of their skin didn't limit them. I know that of all the people in the ghetto, I can only really think of 2 examples, but still. It's not impossible.

I was discussing with a friend (who also missed this uproar) on monday night about a dear lady in our ward. She is a single mother of six children. She is raising them to the best of her ability, but they are barely surviving. She struggles and has stress i could never imagine. I have been to their neighborhood to pick them up for church. Frankly, it terrifies me. I hate being there. I hate getting out of the car. I would hate to have no choice but to raise my kids there because I have nowhere I can go. Her power is being turned off this week. She's scared and stressed. My friend and I were discussing ways we can help her. What can we do? Just listening to these circumstances and what a loss she's at, it just...it breaks my heart. All of this breaks my heart. Sometimes I think, if I were a millionare, I could help so many people. I'd build a big house and they can stay there and live, and their children could be raised well. But really, that's impossible. Then they learn to be mooches. It's not so much money thats the problem (although it can be a big part of it) it's mindset that's the problem. It's not what we can do for this woman. Frankly, I have enough in saving to help keep her power on for another month, but that's not really what she needs. She needs to learn how to live. How to budget. How to save. How to earn. They don't need gimmies. They need life skills. That's when I don't know how to help them. I'm barely only learning these life skills as well. It's only a matter of months before I have my first appartment. I'll have rent, and groceries, and utilities. It just breaks my heart that I can't help them more.

I was also thinking how lucky I am. How grateful I should really be. I take way too much for granted. At this point in life, as I date and find the person I want to marry, and find the life I want to lead, I weigh my options. I want a college graduate. Someone with ambition. We don't have to be millioinares, but I'd like to not have to live paycheck to paycheck. But even if we were living paycheck to paycheck, I know that we would never be in that kind of neighborhood. I know that no matter how bad things got, we would never ever wind up there. That is not even an option. I have family that would help out, and I just know that I will never live in that part of town. But some just don't have that option. That is all they've ever had, and that's all they ever will have. It's hard to escape the poverty. It's such a cycle. It really just breaks my heart.