Who am I to disagree?

I have not slept well in over a week. Maybe two. How can I? My best friend is in more trouble than she realizes. There's been nothing but contention and tension in my house. I don't do well in contention. I'm much too positive of a person.

Here's the story. My best friend, "Sally" is in a relationship with a very controlling and manipulative guy, "Frank". He's emotionally abusive. A lot of people disregard that. But it's real, and it does a lot of damage. Real damage. Believe me, I know. I was dating an emotionally abusive guy for quite a while and it took a lot of work to get past all that damage. Painful, hard, work.

Sally has been with Frank off and on for quite a while. Years, in fact. They've even been engaged. Twice. I hadn't ever really been around Frank, but while he was gone, I talked a lot to Sally about him. How she felt, what she thought. She continued to talk to him on the phone every night. She'd talk about how she missed him, but also talk about all she didn't like about him. Things he needs to change. Rule #1 in dating: NEVER try to change him. You gotta like him as is because he's not going to change and it's not fair to expect that of him. If he's not what you want, move on and find what you do want. Don't try and make him what you want. Anyway, I met Frank in the winter. He wasn't very happy. Nor was he congenial. I didn't expect that of him, given the circumstances (which are not important right now). So I didn't judge, and I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Sally continued to talk to him every night on the phone. I never thought this was a good idea. It's not that I didn't like Frank, it was just hard on her. And, I'm sure, hard on him. She knew that she didn't want to marry him, or really even date him at the moment. So why was she dragging it out? That only kept her and him both from moving on. And it was only harder on the both of them. Rule #1 in breaking up: do it all the way. Don't do any of this half stuff. If you think you need to end the relationship, end it. Don't keep them tied to you in any way. Don't be tied to them in any way. Move on. It's hard, but move on. There's someone better out there.

Frank finally moved out here, and I finally got to see who he really is. It scares me. I have seen the progress Sally has made over this last year. She's come a long way in trying to heal some of the damage he's already done. He came in and undid all of that work. He tears her down, and I can see my dear friend withering and dying inside. I hate it. It's killing me.

One night, Frank was over at our apartment. Tension had already been high since Frank didn't get along well with my other roomate "Betty." Betty, Sally, and I had sat down previously and agreed on some apartment rules. One of which was to have guests out of the apartment by 11 pm on weekdays and midnight on weekends. This was to be curtious to each other so that if others wanted to sleep, they could. Frank seemed to have it in his head that only Betty wanted and enforced this rule. Not so. We all agreed on it. If we didn't want it, we wouldn't have agreed. Betty was out of town. I could tell Frank didn't plan on keeping the rule. I was having a hard day, and wanted to go to bed. Trevor was also over with me. It was 10:57 pm. I warned both the boys that they only had three more minutes. Frank, out of nowhere, started yelling at me about what a hypocrite I am. I only keep the rules when I want. He doesn't have to do what I say. I sat there calmly as he treated me this way. When he was finished, I simply said, "All I am saying is that you are a guest, and I'd appreciate it if you acted like one." He went off about how he's not my guest. I said, "I didn't say you are my guest. I said you are a guest." Then I went outside to say goodnight to Trevor. I didn't appreciate that he would treat me like that in my own home. I will not be yelled at in my home. Nor will I be belittled like that. I was mad. I didn't feel like talking at all the next day. Particularly to Sally. I was upset that she would allow him into our home. I was upset that she would allow him to undo all of her work. I was upset that she was regressing. Most of all, I was upset that I couldn't do anything about it.

Later that night, after I had calmed down, Sally and I had a talk. Frank and Trevor were both there, anxiously waiting in the living room. They didn't like that their girlfriends were fighting. I told Sally about how much I love her. I told her about when she moved here, it was her first time away from her parents. She was unsure of herself, and unsure of the world. I watched this unsure girl bloom into a beautiful, confident woman. I told her of how this confident woman has gone away and I don't know where she went. I miss her. I also talked to her about what I wanted in life. I want to be that couple that hosts bbq's at their house. I want to be that couple that has a hard time getting out of the church because we talk to everybody. I want to be that couple that is social. I need a guy that can be that with me. I wouldn't want a guy that seems to make enemies everywhere he goes. That jumps to conclusions, that jumps to anger, that accuses. Because it would be hard for me to make friends with a husband like that. I also told her of a girl my brother was dating. Her mother hated my brother. And even though my brother is a good guy, her mother couldn't get past mistakes he had made. This girl loved him and wanted to marry him, but she realized that if she did, it would be a fight for the rest of her life. She would inevitably have to choose him or her mother. She didn't want that fight for the rest of her life. It wasn't worth it. I asked Sally if she wanted that fight for the rest of her life, because that's what she would have. She'd never stop battling. I also told her about love. About how love is not jealous, and love is not selfish. Love is a beautiful thing. Love helps you grow. Love helps you reach your potential. Love is not building one up while tearing the other down. Although some like to say that's love. Love is not a battle. When the right one comes along, everything should fit. Everything just flows. My brother found a woman who fit so much better. Although he wanted it to fit with the other, he's glad he waited. I wanted to create love with my exboyfriend, but try as I might, I just couldn't make it happen. You can't force things.

Sally had a lot to think about. She got away from Frank for a few days, and it seemed her head was clear. She knew she couldn't be with him. But once Frank found her again, it was like her brain had escaped her. His thoughts were now hers. He knows exactly what to say to her. He's so good at what he does, and I hate it. After that, Sally was pure livid at me. While Sally was away, clearing her head, Frank tried to get into our apartment. He scared my other roomate, Betty, so much that she wanted to call the police. After that, she announced that Frank was no longer allowed over. I supported her 100% because you should feel safe in your own home. You have that right. She was now scared of him. Sally was very mad about this. She was mad at me about this. But, I was not the one who did this. If you ask me, it was Frank. His actions are reaping those consequences. I didn't like being yelled at, and Betty didn't like being threatened. And somehow this was my fault. I did feel badly. I wanted Sally to have guests and have fun and be comfortable in her own home. But being a guest is a priviledge. If you can't act like one, then you just can't come in.

On top of my best friend being mad at me, Trevor was as well. He didn't like the way I was treating Frank "like trash." But the way I see it is Franks actions earned those consequences. I'm not trying to be cruel. I'm not the kind of person that singles someone out and decides to be really mean. I have never been like that, nor will I ever be. But when people start crossing lines and making me feel unsafe, I can not tolerate it. That is absolute. I had to draw the line, and I had to support my roomate drawing the line.

Sally was really mad. But all the mean words she said to me one night in the car after I picked her up from Franks house just sounded like Franks words. It didn't sound like my friend at all. I was trying not to be hurt, because I knew it wasn't her. That's not like her at all. And the tension just kept rising.

Trevor and I took a break from all this and went down to DC for a weekend. When I came back, Sally had moved out. Betty had kicked her out. I, once again, supported Betty. Sally had broken the rules and let Frank in. Sally would also leave before we woke up in the morning, and didn't return until we were asleep. And when she didn't avoid us, it was nothing but anger. Betty couldn't live like that anymore (in fact, none of us could) and also decided Sally would be happier in a place that felt more like home to her. So Sally is gone. That doesn't mean I don't still worry about her.

Before I left for DC, Betty and I expressed our concerns to the Bishop. As head of our congregation, he should know about the welfare of his people. He seemed very surprised by all that was going on, and also gravely concerned. He listened to us, and counseled with us on what we can do. Then he gave us each a blessing. It was the most comforting blessing I had ever recieved. Not only about this whole situation, but all that's going on in my life. My dating Trevor, my decision to move to Utah, everything. It was exactly what I needed to hear, and I knew that only the Lord could know those things to say.

I was praying to the Lord that night. I asked Him if I am doing everything I could possibly do for Sally. One word came quickly to mind. "Fast." I had not fasted! Why didn't I think of it sooner? So Betty and I fasted the next day for Sally. That evening, I was ending my fast in a prayer for her. I felt a huge surge of comfort come over me. I think everything is going to be ok.

Now that Sally is gone, I don't really know what's going on with her. I hope she's ok. I'm still worried about her. I hope that she can make the right decisions. I hope she remembers to council with the Lord. I know He'll guide her. I most certainly love her. She is outstanding. All I want is my friend back.

Please, read up on abusive relationships, or personality types of abusers.

I think the best thing I can do now is get educated on abuse, and let her know that I am here for her if and when she needs me. And also to rely on the Lord.