Healing and the Spoken Word

I've got nothing. I think too much. I think about stuff I want to write on this, but when I think it, I don't have time to type it, and when I have time to type it, I don't remember what I was thinking. So I thought, maybe if I just started typing, something would come to me.

I said something the other day. I said "Music is my medicine." And it's true. I wrote a song, probably one of my favorites, because it's so authentic. It's from a place I dared not touch. A place I didn't want to go to. A place I was ready to bury and ignore like I've done so many times before.

But that's not the real me.

Not so consciously I decided that I wasn't going to be fake anymore. I was tired of it. It's time to be honest. Back in the day, I was the entertainer. The rambunctious-daring-energetic-funny-always-happy-nothings-wrong person. Fake. I didn't want to do that anymore. If I'm sad, I act sad. If I'm annoyed, it'll show. I don't pretend things just don't bother me anymore. Although, honestly, I don't get that bothered easily anyway. I could never have any down time at home. I always had to be...what's the word...bouncy. I think because I was so truly deeply sad that a)I didn't want it to show, and b)I didn't want anyone else to feel that, so I tried to make them happy. It doesn't really work unless I'm truly happy myself.

Words, I've discovered, are a wonderous thing. I use them now. Not in the way I used to. Not bubbly and conversational and filling up silence. Now they're honest. I say what I think and feel, no longer worried that it will make someone else sad. It's not my job to keep everyone else afloat. I drown. But I do help if I can. It's amazing how many doors it's opened up, and how many it's closed.

For example, there is a young man, we'll call him "Bob" who really liked the ladies, and really wanted some companionship, but struggled when it came to being around them. He came off all sorts of wrong. He had very good intentions, but not good ways of showing that. I got a very wrong impression of him in the beginning. As I got to know him, and his character, better, I realized what a really great person he is. But his problems in the dating field persisted. People all around were expressing worry. "Somebody should say something." "Somebody should help him." But nobody would say anthing. Why? Too hard? Afraid? Awkward? Yeah. Well, instead of saying somebody should, I did. We had established a friendship, and some trust. So I told him honestly, but kindly, what was happening. Awkward? Yeah. It was. Hard? A bit. I couldn't get out what I wanted to say, and sometimes I could've come off the wrong way. Worth it? Totally. He's changed some things, and gotten what he wants.

Why don't we speak out?

Why are we so scared of people? I by no means want to be offensive, but honestly, who cares? Why does it matter if someone gets mad? Or never talks to us again? Especially when it really isn't that close of a friend. If it's something that needs to be said, say it. Say it kindly, and with love. I have been in a lot of awkward situations with even more awkward conversations, but none so far have been mad at me. People know when you are being honest and speaking from your heart. And you'll feel a lot better afterwards. I don't keep it in anymore. I'm not fake.

So I went to this place that I was ready to bury. I didn't like what came up. There were a lot of old skeletons, but not as many as there used to be. I felt terrible. Deeply sad and broken up. I didn't know how to handle it. I didn't know if I could. Finally, when I thought I was really at my breaking point, I sang. I wrote a song of all I had been feeling. All that I wanted and couldn't have, but now I can have whatever I choose to take. It was a hard song to write. I still can scarcely play it and not cry. I sang it to my mom and her sisters when they were here. They all cried too. This one needs to go public. This one needs to be heard.

In a lot of ways, I feel healed now. And that is why music is my medicine. My songs have healed me so many times before. As I said in a recent song "I feel the music, love's pure music, heaven puts in me."