Moving on

Well, I talked to my friends the Vellingas yesterday. I sure love those two. We talked about my 'dear jane' letter. I guess I've kinda been avoiding that talk with them because I wasn't sure I wanted to hear what they had to say. Maybe not so much that, even. Maybe I just wasn't ready to talk about it, because if I talk about it, then I'd realize it's over.

I realized it's over.

So this is the part where I move on with my life. Where I let go of my dreams of marrying him. Part of me still really wants to hold on tight, but I know I can't do that. I've gotta let go. It's tough. He's the only one I've ever opened up to or trusted. He's the only one I was willing to take the risk of getting hurt. Now that I'm hurt, was it worth it? Yeah. I think it was. I learned a lot. I loved a lot. At the very least, he set a REALLY high bar for the next guy, because I expect nothing less. I expect to be treated like a daughter of God the way he treated me. Before him, I didn't really expect that.

So what now? What do I do after all of this? It's hard to let go of someone you were madly in love with. It's even harder to open up again. I'm scared. I've been thinking about the quote by Mark Twain, "Dance like nobody's watching; love like you've never been hurt. Sing like nobody's listening; live like it's heaven on earth." I think that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to love like I've never been hurt. Easier said than done.

I don't know if it's going to be easier to let go of him, or all the dreams I had. The wedding, the children, being in his family. Man, I love his family. I wanted to be a part of it so bad. I guess I got to be for the past two years, but I wanted eternity. Waking up next to him every day for the rest of my life. It's hard to imagine waking up next to anyone else. It's hard to imagine being with anyone else. I'm in love with him. But now, I must let it go. It's better for him if I let it go. I don't know if I can say the same for me.

It's hard to close a chapter of life, but there's so much hope and optimism for the next chapter! I can't wait to begin writing it! I can't wait to meet new characters, and who knows, maybe I'll find love again!