When it rains...

You know, with everything going wrong-Deaths, loss, frustration, just to mention a few-it hasn't got me down. I'm amazed.

Normally, I can get pretty bogged down pretty easily, but I am so happy. There's so much to be happy for! Ever since I've become reactivated in the Church, I've been so happy. Everything's gone right, despite things gone wrong. I'm so happy. The church offers such a different perspective than what's happening in the now.

On sunday, not only were my primary kids quiet as I taught class, but they were listening. That has never happened before. Never not once. I actually felt as if they actually got something out of it. We learned about Joseph after he got sold into Egypt and what Potiphar's wife does and how he eventually gets out of jail. They didn't listen to any of that. I could've been talking to the chalkboard for all they cared. But after I finished talking (to the bricks in the wall) I asked them what they had learned. "Nothing." "Pray." General answers. I started telling them what I learned.

I learned that you should always choose the right.No matter what, even if it does get you in trouble. Even if you go to jail and lose a lot of your life. Always do what you think is right. I also learned that no matter what, God listens. He listened to Josephs prayers down there. Even though Joseph might not have understood why God seemed to take so long, God still always answers prayers. We just have to be patient. I also learned that if you stick to it and stay on the path, God will bless you beyond your comprehension. He loves you so much that he wants to give you everything, and He will if you be patient and good. The last thing I learned is that nothing can go permanently wrong with Jesus Christ. No matter what happens, it will never be permanent because what Christ did was so wonderful that it makes everything right in the end. Nothing can go wrong.

The children listened to all that. I could tell it was soaking in. I could even feel the Spirit! The Spirit had entered my classroom! That was one of my New Years resolutions. Get my kids to actually walk away with something for once. Get the Spirit in the classroom at least once. Ok, so I guess that was really two goals, but still. It worked! I had never realized what my testimony could do. All this time I had been trying to get them to learn from the manual or by games, when really all they needed was my testimony. It was quite the experience for me.

Today, as with any day, I am listening to kzion- an internet radio that plays all LDS music all the time. I love it. I can never get enough of it. The more I listen, the more I want my music to play there. Why am I so afraid to get my stuff out there? Why can't I just do it? It's good. I know my stuff is good. A few songs are even great if you ask me (which is big because I am my toughest critic). I guess it's just scary. When I write silly songs, like "concieted" or "waste of a day," I'm not worried with that stuff. I don't care if people like it or not, or if people criticize it. When it comes to my serious stuff, the stuff that comes from my heart, that's a little scary. I'm scared for people to criticize it. That is me to my very essence. To put that out there, to put it all on the line, out in the open, that's terrifying. But I want to do it so bad. All it takes is just one little leap, right? I'm afraid my legs won't jump. I need to get it done. I want a CD! I want to inspire people and comfort people. Music is the best way I know how. It comforts me so much.

Moving on

Well, I talked to my friends the Vellingas yesterday. I sure love those two. We talked about my 'dear jane' letter. I guess I've kinda been avoiding that talk with them because I wasn't sure I wanted to hear what they had to say. Maybe not so much that, even. Maybe I just wasn't ready to talk about it, because if I talk about it, then I'd realize it's over.

I realized it's over.

So this is the part where I move on with my life. Where I let go of my dreams of marrying him. Part of me still really wants to hold on tight, but I know I can't do that. I've gotta let go. It's tough. He's the only one I've ever opened up to or trusted. He's the only one I was willing to take the risk of getting hurt. Now that I'm hurt, was it worth it? Yeah. I think it was. I learned a lot. I loved a lot. At the very least, he set a REALLY high bar for the next guy, because I expect nothing less. I expect to be treated like a daughter of God the way he treated me. Before him, I didn't really expect that.

So what now? What do I do after all of this? It's hard to let go of someone you were madly in love with. It's even harder to open up again. I'm scared. I've been thinking about the quote by Mark Twain, "Dance like nobody's watching; love like you've never been hurt. Sing like nobody's listening; live like it's heaven on earth." I think that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to love like I've never been hurt. Easier said than done.

I don't know if it's going to be easier to let go of him, or all the dreams I had. The wedding, the children, being in his family. Man, I love his family. I wanted to be a part of it so bad. I guess I got to be for the past two years, but I wanted eternity. Waking up next to him every day for the rest of my life. It's hard to imagine waking up next to anyone else. It's hard to imagine being with anyone else. I'm in love with him. But now, I must let it go. It's better for him if I let it go. I don't know if I can say the same for me.

It's hard to close a chapter of life, but there's so much hope and optimism for the next chapter! I can't wait to begin writing it! I can't wait to meet new characters, and who knows, maybe I'll find love again!

To my viewer

Katelyn, I'm really glad you read this. At least someone does....

Ebony and Irony

It's funny how all my life I've striven to be different. I grew up in a place where most everybody is born and raised in my church and most everybody has the same opinion on things, because that is what the church says, and that is what we believe. I hated being the same. I did whatever I could to be different. Sometimes, even, when I didn't want to, really. Now that I live in a place where I am different, I want everybody to be the same. I want everybody to have the knowledge that I have.

My English Composition class really gets me going. I mean really. For those of you who know me, I'm sure you know what I mean. I have opinions, naturally, but I'm not one to share them. You believe what you believe, and I'll believe what I believe. No sense in arguing about it and getting frustrated. In english, however, i do not view it the same. Although I respect others beliefs, values, and opinions, i am completely disgusted by what people think is "right," or "moral." My opinion is so different (and my I add completely right) that I MUST share it. If I don't defend the right, nobody will, and then something truly would be lost.

Want some examples?

Pornography.

The word I feel dirty even saying. Regardless, it is an issue, although others don't see it as such. Class began by discussing a Harvard professor losing his job for having pornographic images on his work computer. We discussed whether it was just that he lost his job. The discussion quickly evolved to porn itself. I could NOT believe it. Could NOT. It quickly turned to the whole class against me. One girl stated how it is "natural" for a man to look at such filth. "No! No it is not natural! It is wrong!" The words spilled out before my tongue could stop it. Everyone else seemed to think it was "natural" and even "healthy" for men to view that stuff. Natural? Healthy? I don't know about you, but I don't consider it healthy to degrade women like that. It got pretty heated. I then stated that it has been a PROVEN FACT that rapists, child molesters, and other such sexual preditors began on pornography. It is a dangerous addiction that should be avoided like a disease. It degrades women. It ruins lives. It robs you of your ability to love. That shut everyone up pretty quickly. I don't believe the "natural" and "healthy" argument was strong enough.

Cohabitation.

Did you know that if a couple lives together before marriage, they are 80% more likely to get a divorce? Did you know that a child is more likely to get abused emotionally, physically, and\or sexually if the parents cohabitate or are divorced? Cohabitation weakens commitment. It makes a mockary of marriage and weakens our whole society. There are many people in my class who cohabitate and defend it fiercly. Once I presented those statistics, they haven't said a word.

Homosexuality.

Oh boy. This one is a sensitive issue. First and foremost, I need to make a few disclaimers. I have gay friends. I love my gay friends. They are really great people. Very respectable. I truly adore some of them. Also, there is a distinct difference between homosexual/gay/lesbian and same-gender attraction. SG attraction admits that you have those attraction and urges. Just because you are tempted, however, doesn't mean you have done something wrong-in any case, not just homosexuality. Homosexual/gay/lesbian denotes that you have acted on your SG attraction. Therein lies the sin. Acting upon it. I sympathize with those who are struggling with SG attraction. It is a terrible battle that I can understand, but can not comprehend. I can't imagine the pain and anguish they must go through. I admire and respect them all the more for battling it. Homosexuality is a choice. SG attraction is NOT a choice, but acting upon those urges IS a choice. I have absolutely no tolerance for those who choose to act upon those urges, and then play the victim in all of this. If you make a choice, own up to it. Don't misplace the blame on society, or your parents, or others, or God. You chose to give in. You can choose to fight the battle. No, it is not easy. Frankly, I don't blame anyone for giving in. I can't say I'd be much better. But if I chose to live the gay life, I would not play the victim. I believe in consequences to your actions. I have nothing but the utmost respect for those who choose not to give in. It is a long a rocky path. I pray for you. Regardless of whether you choose to be gay, or you experience SG attraction and fight it, you are a person. None of us are perfect. I can not judge. All I can say is don't play the victim. You are not a victim. I will love and accept any person, simply because they are a person, not because they do or do not have my same beliefs.

Abortion.

Now this one got me fired up last class. We read an article recently published in the paper about a Christian Minister who is a woman, yes, she is a Reverend. She leads a congregation of people, spiritually. She wrote about her abortion 19 years ago, and then precedes to justify it. She said some deeply disturbing and horrendous things. She openly admited she, and I quote, "murdered [her] baby." She also talked about her "anguish" in her and her husband wanting the baby, but "not wanting it enough." So just because you don't want something, you murder? Since when was that okay? She also started a sentence "In the battle over killing our babies,..." In the battle over killilng your babies? What? How can you honestly say that it's right to kill your baby? How can you start a sentence like that and feel that what you did, or the whole practice in general, is right? A battle over killing your baby. There shouldn't even BE that kind of battle. She also argued that is was the "moral" and "right" thing to do..."for me, my family, my husband, and my job." Her job? She's a flipping reverend! And she murdered! And she feels RIGHT about it! What is going on in the world today? Not only that, but the people in my class agreeing with what she did? Is there no good in this world? Are people really that blind? Isn't there a scripture about good being evil and evil being called good. That woman is the "great and abomidable" church the scriptures speak of. I can't believe she is considered a spiritual leader. I simply don't understand how you can stand in front of a congregation and claim goodness and preach about righteousness and sinning when you yourself are a murderer. That article makes me beyond mad, and frankly sick to my stomach.

I love this class because it opens my eyes to the world (although sometimes I would prefer to remain innocent and naive). It forces me to make a stand, stick to my guns, and voice it. I don't back down. I don't apologize for the truth. I state it how it is, and I believe, I really believe they know what's right. They know I'm right. I can see how things have changed in that class since the beginning of the semester and now. I think I have possibly made some people think about what they are doing. That life can't just be wandered through. You've GOT to make conscience decisions, and then reap the consequences. Rape, divorce, aids, abuse. Take your pick. I, however, will steer clear.

Everytime I leave that classroom, I am that much more thankful for the gospel. I am thankful that I can see things and have a clear head. Sometimes I think my peers are drowning in this vast and perilous ocean. They grasp at whatever they can find to stay afloat, but they don't realize they are not going to make it if they are making poor and careless choices. I am so thankful I can see things so black and white, that I'm not lost in this fog that so easily overtakes.

Poem/Song

I was exhausted last night. Sometimes, after a long period of Insomnia, I just get exhausted and go to bed early for a few nights. Then, it's back to insomnia. Last night, I wanted to sleep, but this song popped in my head. I can't ignore that. I have to write it down, or it's forever lost. I've learned my lesson. So much for sleep. Now I can't rest until it's finished. Of course, it's finished good enough, but I'll always mess around with it until I like it. Until it's just right. Here's the first draft.

I met this boy one fine summer day.
He asked me out. I said "okay."
He held my hand. I guess that's alright
'Cuz we were together every day and night.

Then came fall, and that boy stuck around.
I felt my other half had fin'ly been found.
One night he looked up, and something scared me.
I saw in his eyes e-ternity.

The leaves blew away, and in came the snow
And I'll tell you what, something started to grow.
What it was, I wasn't quite sure
It wasn't something I had ever felt before.

The flowers popped up, and the birds began to sing
He got down on one knee, it was a wedding ring!
"I wanna give our love a lifelong chance."
He grabbed my hand and we began to dance.

Questions came up, doubt filled my mind.
Was this love, or is love really blind?
Marriage, wow, that's quite a task.
"Honey, I've got something I've just gotta ask."

"Do you believe in love, do you believe it's true?
Do you believe that love could really see us through?"
He looked me in the eye and said "Yes I do.
I believe love believes in me and you."

Now it's been fifty years, and our mem'ry grows dim,
But he loves me, and I love him.
We've had our ups and downs, happiness and strife,
A life without him wouldn't count as a life.

----------------------------------------

That's all I got so far. It's pretty neat. Needs a better tune than what's in my head.

I HATE COLLEGE TODAY...but only today

The Inevitable has happened.

I got it. I finally got it, and I can't help but feel...sick to my stomach...among a lot of other feelings. Stupid. Foolish. Hurt. Sick. What did I get? I got THE letter. The letter every waiting girl dreads, but usually gets. I got Dear Janed.

He lost himself to the Lord. That's a great thing. I'm glad. That's what he needs to do. I am still trying to lose myself to the Lord.

He spoke of the little time we had together before he left. Yeah, it wasn't very much, but everything we had was different. It was worth waiting for, or was it? I can't help but feel stupid. How could I have given my heart away so readily to him? I was never that willing with anyone before. Stupid. I hardly knew him. Why did I trust in him so completely, when it is otherwise hard for me to do so? Foolish. I have stuck by it for the past 18 1/2 months, and now, I'm single. Not just semi-single. Completely and utterly single. Yeah, I've been single before. Many times. But I fell in love with this one. He was it. Foolish. You can't decide that in so little time.

I did a lot of things wrong. I'm gonna regret them. I wish I didn't think of him so much. How come the future never goes according to plan? Well, I suppose that does make planning my immediate future a little easier. I wasn't sure whether to stay here or go back to Utah. Not sure it would be worth it to go if things didn't work out, but now I can plan my life more by what I want to do, not by the possibilities of what might happen. He won't move across the country for me. And I can't go back for him. I feel sick.

I will still write him. The worse thing I could do is lose conctact. I feel the possibility of us continuing is slim, but I can't close off all possibility. If there is a chance, I'll take it. Risky. Part of me doesn't want to know. I don't want to be hurt. Oh, but never to know would be worse.

Here is what I will do. I will write him news-y letters about happenings. I will be friendly and upbeat. I will not think about our future. I will not think about when he comes home. I will make plans for me, but keep them flexible, just in case. I will date. I will have fun. I will live my life, grow, and learn. I will be the best me I can be. I will not worry about it anymore. That is what I will do.

One Tough Week, One Good End

Life has been tough this past week and a half. After returning from Florida, I went to Arizona to a family reunion. I had a lot of fun. I'm glad I went, but it was hard. It was awfully hard.
I was terribly nervous. I can't recall when I've ever been alone with my dad. When we've ever just had daddy-daughter time. I wasn't sure how it was going to be-what it was going to like. I could barely remember any of his extended family, although I have come in contact with a few via blogs/email.
The first day I was there, I spent the day cooking with Dad. He taught me how to make his famous potato salad, and also how to make enchiladas. Mine were disgraceful. He needed to teach me right. It was great being there with him, learning. We also played his guitars. It was my first time playing a twelve string. It was different, but fun. That night, I went to the Lyons house to stay. The Lyons served a CES mission in my area, but now live near my dad in AZ. It was wonderful to see them again. I really missed them. They were my adopted grandparents out here.
The next day, Tia Anna, Dad, Riley, and I headed to the reunion. When we arrived, all sorts of people started hugging me. It wasn't a big turn out, but I still only recognized a few. I would hang around in conversations and wait til someone's name was said before it registered who it was. I knew which cousin was from which aunt or uncle, but I didn't know them between their brothers and sisters. Some of them I had to ask my dad who it was because nobody would say their name. I felt rather embarrassed I didn't even know my own family. It had been 8 years since I last saw them, and I was a little girl then.
I had a lot of fun conversing with them. There had inevitably been marriages and births, so I got to meet new spouses, second cousins, and step cousins. Everyone was...aged. Aunt Kathy put together a R.E.E.L (Riley Elden & Eva Lou) Trivia game. I was surprised at the answers I knew, but I knew little. Some of the questions brought on memories. I listened and laughed as my cousins told stories of our grandparents, but I coudln't help feeling out of place. Left out. I missed something. I missed something big. I didn't have any stories of my grandparents. I don't know them. I don't know the things my granpa always said. I had really missed out. I had missed out on 8 years of memories. Things I will never have. It was really hard for me to choke back the tears. I never realized how much I had missed out on. Not only with my granparents, but all my cousins.
Dad seemed happy I was there. He had never smiled like that at me before. I know it meant a lot to him. Saying goodbye was the hardest thing. I didn't know when I'd see everyone again, or if I would. I felt immense sorrow for everything I had missed, and everything I'm probably going to miss. I had never felt this before. Hugging my father goodbye in the airport was hard. I don't know when I'll see him again. This weekend was our first time together, alone. We had, as gay as it sounds, bonded. When I left there was something there that there wasn't before. Something that never would've happened if I wouldn't have come. As I stood there, weeping, in his arms, about to depart back to my life, I felt, for the first time, love. As much as he's said 'I love you' in the past, I never felt it. I certainly never believed it. But this weekend, I felt he loved me. I realized that no matter how far away a parent may go, no matter how long they are gone, they still love their child. So much of my life has been spent wondering, and wishing. Now I know.
It scares me. It scares me a lot. I feel vulnerable. Words will never explain the pain that comes when a parent abandons you. Worse yet, it is never over. The void of them not being there at events, such as prom, or graduation, or pageants, still hurts just as much as the day they left. It was a lot easier when I resented him. It was a lot easier when I wanted nothing to do with him. But now, I have forgiven him. I have let go of the expectation of the "Ideal Father" and accepted him for who he is. Not what I want him to be. He has the choice of who he is. I have the choice to accept it, or be bitter. I love him. I love him no matter what he does. Whether our relationship persists, or not, it doesn't matter. He will always have my love and my prayers. That is the difference between the easy road, and the road less traveled.
Yes, this weekend was hard, but it was well worth it.
Back into the swing of things. Work, school, church callings. I went about busily with my days, as usual. Friday, my mom called. She sounded upset. What was the matter? "I'm sorry, Miranda, but Rick shot himself today." What? No. Why? What?
I worked for Rick a little over 2 years in high school. He was a good boss, and I loved being his employee. I loved his wife, and his daughter, whom I also worked with/for. Rick was great. He became like a brother to me. Someone to always tease and be teased by. Countless buckets of ice cold water have been dumped. I have been covered in icing, or powdered sugar, or flour. I once ruined a $4000 check in his pocket from dumping water on him. He didn't get mad, although I was scared. He did, as always, get even. I'm going to miss him.
I am sad. Death, I can deal with. Suicide is another thing. There is no reassurance he's in a better place. There's no comfort. There's no solace. No peace. What I am saddest about is the thought of how hopeless he must have felt. The state of mind he must have been in. Who knew he was carrying that around? Could I have spoken a kinder word? Could I have had better actions? It's really made me reflect on my state of mind. I battle with seasonal depression. Winters are hard. At one point in my life, I did try to die. I wanted to. I know the sorrowful places Rick was at. Lucky for me, I had a friend in the right place at the right time, and I held on. When times get tough, and sometimes even when they don't, suicide still crosses my mind. No, I would never. I force the thought out. I refuse to harbor it. If I had done what I inteded during my teenage years, I would've missed out on so much. My niece, and nephews. I love them more than anything. My high school friends are the best people on earth. The love of my life, Sean. My experience in college. The experiences I have yet to have in college. The friends I've made here on the east coast. What would I do without them? The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Something of which I've only been active about 18 months. I would've missed out on a lot.
To lose hope is the saddest experience here in this mortal life. I am grieved that Rick had lost his. I have hope in Christ. I will never lose that. I may lose everything else, but of that, I will never let go. I am beyond grateful that I could be a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. It continues to strengthen me daily. Without Christ, I would be nothing. I know who I was when I didn't allow him in my life, and I will never go back to that.
The words of General Conference this weekend were greatly comforting, and inspiring. I could not have needed General Conference more than I needed it at the end of this burden-full week. President Gordon B. Hinkley is a prophet of God. He, and the Apostles speak the truth. The pure, divine, sweet truth. I love them, and pray for them. I am grateful for them, and all of my blessings, even through heartache.

Hang on. If nothing else, hang on. There is more to life than what is happening now. I could never have forsaw the joys I would experience, and I cannot forsee the joys I have yet to celebrate.