Handicapped

You always hear those inspiring stories of people that get paralyzed in an accident and then find hope and optimism and fulfillment in their lives. I always wondered how I would be if that happened to me.

I think I'm figuring it out.

I'd be frustrated and bitter. Seriously. It would be really annoying! I don't know how people handle it. Ever since I've been pregnant people (especially my classmates) have been treating me like i'm "special." Not allowing me to carry a massage table. Trying to tell me the pressure is ok, when I know they like it deeper. They just don't want to strain me. I get really annoyed. I'm not handicapped! I just have a big belly. I also think (don't worry, my thoughts are changing on this) that some women use pregnancy as an excuse to be lazy. And I refuse to do that! I do get tired and put my feet up more, but I still get plenty done and keep my house tidy and in order. Well, slowly, I have conceded. I have allowed for my table to be carried for me. And since pushing myself on saturday, I've realy had to take a step back. All this week in class, I do lighter pressure. I even had to sit halfway through a russian sports massage I was giving (after arguing with my classmate for 30 min before that about how "I'm fine" and "I don't need to sit. I can do this!") And then I did end up sitting down to finish on her arms. I just get really annoyed being treated differently. I refuse to let myself feel weak, but I've had to change a lot of my habits the last 5 days and take it easier. I'm just glad it's only a 9 month handicap.

Anger is OK

For some reason, I grew up thinking anger is not ok. I don't know why. My mom never told me that. She got angry sometimes. Who doesn't? I guess it just got impressed on my mind because when my brothers got angry they didn't release it properly, so I guess it equated to anger is bad. Well, when I went through therapy (little known fact about me) they told me anger is ok. What? No its not! This was very against my nature. But actually, anger is ok. It's how you handle that anger that is ok or not ok. But anger itself is ok. It's natural. Even Christ got angry at the peddlers in the temple. It took me a long time to let myself feel the pent up anger of years and years and years of suppression. And that was so new to me. So awkward. So unnatural. I learned that when I feel anger, experience it. Let it out in a healthy way.

I've forgotton my lesson learned.

By nature I really am not an angry person. Really. In the last 8 months there have been lots of events happen in my life that would make any normal person angry. I mean really angry. But anger is not what I felt. I'm pretty sure I suppressed it without even knowing it. And everytime I am around certain people, I feel a lesser version of anger. Loathing? But every time I see them, the anger builds up.

Well, the other day while tidying up, I accidentally knocked a glass off the kitchen table. It shattered to pieces. And it felt really good. This surge went through me and I got super mad. I was so tempted to go to the cupboard and throw all of our glasses and all of our plates and anything else that's breakable. I wanted a baseball bat. I wanted to go hit something. Smash windshields. But I didn't. Vandalism is bad. I quickly cleaned it up (kind of) and rushed off to school, because by now I was running late. There is a certain person in my class that really aggrevates me. It took all I had not to deck him in the face that night. Oh but that would've felt nice. But violence is not ok. I was talking to Melissa about how this cup felt so good to break and I want to go break more. I just feel so angry. So enraged. And she was so relieved to hear it. She said she's had the same sensation, and told her husband Theron about it and he thought she was crazy. Maybe she's not crazy. Maybe we're both crazy (perhaps that why we get along so well). And also I know Kathleen and Cassidi have been aggrivated lately too. I told them I want to go to DI and purchase a crappy piece of furniture, a baseball bat, and a whole bunch of glasses/dishes and have myself a good release. They all thought that was a great idea. We've been planning a Girls Night Out for a while, and we decided to include this anger fest as well. We're gonna go into the mountains and beat up furniture and throw glass in a box of some sort (we don't want to be littering now). I think it's a much better alternative than taking it out on my husband or that classmate or something. Right?

One person

Appearantly my mind has been empty for a while....

This morning as Trevor and I were trying to fall asleep after our paper route, he started singing a line from a Brad Paisley song which is pretty much Trevor's life story. Especially now that we're expecting. Then we started talking about what kind of person Trevor would be if Michael (his dad) hadn't have come into his life. What kind of person Ruth (his mom) would've been. He wouldn't have any sisters, and only one brother. He'd have a different name. He probably would've been raised in Idaho with the help of his grandparents, while is mom worked hard to support her two boys by herself. All other sorts of things came to our imagination. And I really got to thinking (which didn't help falling asleep) what an impact one person really does have. Michael has been such an influence in shaping Ruth into the poised, outstanding woman she is. He has taught (and still teaches) Trevor all about integrity, honesty, priorities, and what being a man is really all about. Not to mention how he's impacted Chris, Danielle, Tyler, Marissa, and me. How this one man just had to love one woman, and it changed everything.

Then we got to thinkin what would my family have been like if my dad had stayed around? That one was much harder to fathom. I tried to imagine what my mom would be like if she had been loved all those years instead of abandoned. I tried to imagine what all of my siblings would be like. What different choices we would've made. What we would be like now. Some of the differences I liked, but some I didn't like. I probably wouldn't hate my hometown so much. Or Utah for that matter. I probably never would've became so bitter and so determined to leave this place, which means I would've never went to Connecticut. Which I really don't like. So I think the way things panned out was probably for the better. The trials my family and I have faced have really shaped who I am. And I'm much stronger for all of it.