Sigh

It is 3 in the morning. I am listening to Mikey scream his head off. I've been listening to him for quite sometime. We're trying to train him to sleep through the night. I don't know if this is the way to do it and I think I'm going to give in to him soon. I can't stand listening to my baby cry. I have to do something!

Boy am I struggling! Not just with Mikey and his sleep. I've sprained a tendon or ligament in my back and made it horribly worse by giving my friends kid a million underdoggies on the swings on the park. I know I shouldn't have. I could feel my back getting worse, but I can't resist a little boy and watching the glee on his face when I do it. Especially when he yells "Underdoggy!" and I yell "Underpants!" and he laughs his head off. What is it about that word that is so funny to little boys? I haven't been able to lift my kids up. I've barely been able to walk. Don't even mention sleep. My back aches and spasms all night. Even if Mikey wasn't screaming. Trevor has been extra helpful. He's so wonderful that way. But, he can't be here all the time. So I kill myself taking care of my beautiful kids.

I think the Lord knew we needed a change of scenery and fast. I still can't believe I'm here. We had such short notice to leave Idaho and get here. I think I'm just now catching my breath. It's a good thing we came. Trevor loves school. I love everything else. I love the weather and the people. The roads have been very easy to get situated with. It's so family friendly here. But I'm still struggling with some postpartum depression. It's been kind of rough. It's been hard with this injury and Mikey being sick last week (almost 105 degree temperature) not to have family around. Thank goodness for being Mormon! I don't know how others move without such an instant network! But I am making friends that are slowly feeling like family as the days go by. So it helps. It's just been hard to have Trevor gone all day. And me alone with the kids all day. Hardly any breaks. No car. Nearly no phone. I feel so trapped here. I'm starved for adult conversation. I'm starved for anything stimulating to my brain. Articles. Books. Talk radio. I'm actually listening to politics because it's something to think about. Something more than "bobble? Milk?" from Allie all day.

Allie. She'll be 2 tomorrow. 2! Two. And boy is she. She's so strong willed. She loves the word no. And throwing herself on the ground. My baby girl is growing up. Just today she suddenly looked different. Older. She grows smarter by the day. Picks up several new words. And now she is piecing them together. Bobble and ilk. Peas stop, daddy! And such. It's amazing to me. She was just born. Where did the last two years go? She gets prettier by the day too. I get completely enamored watching those big innocent brown eyes and bouncing curls running around my house. I love my beautiful daughter more than anything. She's so amazing. I don't know what I'd do without her.

Well, Mikey has finally stopped crying. I think I'll try to sleep again.

Learned a Lesson

Yesterday, Trevor was gone from 7:30 am to 9 pm. When he got home, we watched our weekly episode of Chuck on Hulu. Immediately after, he got really grumpy and short. Everything I did (or didn't do) made him angry. I'd try to apologize, but that was useless. I tried to explain. Even more useless. Then I laid next to him, stroked his hair and said, "I bet you've had a stressful day."

"I did!" came his reply. "It was so long! First I..." And he carried on talking about everything that stressed him. As he did so, I could almost see him becoming putty in my hands. Letting all out and winding down and being my happy, kind, and loving husband he usually is. "Whoa!" thought I, "that was easy."

Usually when he gets snappy, I get snappy right back. It's not any easier for me when he's gone. I'm alone with cranky kids all day with no car, trapped in this apartment. There's only so many times I can go to the miniature park down the street and keep my sanity! I could've said this and ranted on and on. And we would've gone to bed grumpy and on opposite sides. Instead, I let him spill his day to me. He was happy. I was happy. We went to bed cuddling, laughing, and talking. I learned a lot from that sentence. I'm gonna have to say "I bet you've had a stressful day" more often.

Handicapped

You always hear those inspiring stories of people that get paralyzed in an accident and then find hope and optimism and fulfillment in their lives. I always wondered how I would be if that happened to me.

I think I'm figuring it out.

I'd be frustrated and bitter. Seriously. It would be really annoying! I don't know how people handle it. Ever since I've been pregnant people (especially my classmates) have been treating me like i'm "special." Not allowing me to carry a massage table. Trying to tell me the pressure is ok, when I know they like it deeper. They just don't want to strain me. I get really annoyed. I'm not handicapped! I just have a big belly. I also think (don't worry, my thoughts are changing on this) that some women use pregnancy as an excuse to be lazy. And I refuse to do that! I do get tired and put my feet up more, but I still get plenty done and keep my house tidy and in order. Well, slowly, I have conceded. I have allowed for my table to be carried for me. And since pushing myself on saturday, I've realy had to take a step back. All this week in class, I do lighter pressure. I even had to sit halfway through a russian sports massage I was giving (after arguing with my classmate for 30 min before that about how "I'm fine" and "I don't need to sit. I can do this!") And then I did end up sitting down to finish on her arms. I just get really annoyed being treated differently. I refuse to let myself feel weak, but I've had to change a lot of my habits the last 5 days and take it easier. I'm just glad it's only a 9 month handicap.

Anger is OK

For some reason, I grew up thinking anger is not ok. I don't know why. My mom never told me that. She got angry sometimes. Who doesn't? I guess it just got impressed on my mind because when my brothers got angry they didn't release it properly, so I guess it equated to anger is bad. Well, when I went through therapy (little known fact about me) they told me anger is ok. What? No its not! This was very against my nature. But actually, anger is ok. It's how you handle that anger that is ok or not ok. But anger itself is ok. It's natural. Even Christ got angry at the peddlers in the temple. It took me a long time to let myself feel the pent up anger of years and years and years of suppression. And that was so new to me. So awkward. So unnatural. I learned that when I feel anger, experience it. Let it out in a healthy way.

I've forgotton my lesson learned.

By nature I really am not an angry person. Really. In the last 8 months there have been lots of events happen in my life that would make any normal person angry. I mean really angry. But anger is not what I felt. I'm pretty sure I suppressed it without even knowing it. And everytime I am around certain people, I feel a lesser version of anger. Loathing? But every time I see them, the anger builds up.

Well, the other day while tidying up, I accidentally knocked a glass off the kitchen table. It shattered to pieces. And it felt really good. This surge went through me and I got super mad. I was so tempted to go to the cupboard and throw all of our glasses and all of our plates and anything else that's breakable. I wanted a baseball bat. I wanted to go hit something. Smash windshields. But I didn't. Vandalism is bad. I quickly cleaned it up (kind of) and rushed off to school, because by now I was running late. There is a certain person in my class that really aggrevates me. It took all I had not to deck him in the face that night. Oh but that would've felt nice. But violence is not ok. I was talking to Melissa about how this cup felt so good to break and I want to go break more. I just feel so angry. So enraged. And she was so relieved to hear it. She said she's had the same sensation, and told her husband Theron about it and he thought she was crazy. Maybe she's not crazy. Maybe we're both crazy (perhaps that why we get along so well). And also I know Kathleen and Cassidi have been aggrivated lately too. I told them I want to go to DI and purchase a crappy piece of furniture, a baseball bat, and a whole bunch of glasses/dishes and have myself a good release. They all thought that was a great idea. We've been planning a Girls Night Out for a while, and we decided to include this anger fest as well. We're gonna go into the mountains and beat up furniture and throw glass in a box of some sort (we don't want to be littering now). I think it's a much better alternative than taking it out on my husband or that classmate or something. Right?

One person

Appearantly my mind has been empty for a while....

This morning as Trevor and I were trying to fall asleep after our paper route, he started singing a line from a Brad Paisley song which is pretty much Trevor's life story. Especially now that we're expecting. Then we started talking about what kind of person Trevor would be if Michael (his dad) hadn't have come into his life. What kind of person Ruth (his mom) would've been. He wouldn't have any sisters, and only one brother. He'd have a different name. He probably would've been raised in Idaho with the help of his grandparents, while is mom worked hard to support her two boys by herself. All other sorts of things came to our imagination. And I really got to thinking (which didn't help falling asleep) what an impact one person really does have. Michael has been such an influence in shaping Ruth into the poised, outstanding woman she is. He has taught (and still teaches) Trevor all about integrity, honesty, priorities, and what being a man is really all about. Not to mention how he's impacted Chris, Danielle, Tyler, Marissa, and me. How this one man just had to love one woman, and it changed everything.

Then we got to thinkin what would my family have been like if my dad had stayed around? That one was much harder to fathom. I tried to imagine what my mom would be like if she had been loved all those years instead of abandoned. I tried to imagine what all of my siblings would be like. What different choices we would've made. What we would be like now. Some of the differences I liked, but some I didn't like. I probably wouldn't hate my hometown so much. Or Utah for that matter. I probably never would've became so bitter and so determined to leave this place, which means I would've never went to Connecticut. Which I really don't like. So I think the way things panned out was probably for the better. The trials my family and I have faced have really shaped who I am. And I'm much stronger for all of it.

It's all in me 'ead

Boy, a lot is swirling around up there. Where to begin? I've been daydreaming a lot today and retracing the events of this same day one year ago. What a crazy day. Who'd a known that day, that I'd be where I am in a year. And here I am. Celebrating my first dating anniversary- with my husband. Crazy. But it's been the best and hardest year of my life. There was so much I left behind. So much of my life that I gave up. And so much I gained. But I still long for Connecticut every day. I can't wait to go back there sometime next year. I miss the Steinbergs so bad. And even some of their neighbors and the girls' friends. That wild Nicola, that fiesty Mariem, that sweet Julia. Sarah's daily rants of Molly, crazy Michelle, and crazier Becka. I even admit that I kinda miss sitting in the cold watching Sarah at her horse lessons and having her try to get me to come near that thing. She never did achieve her goal of getting me on that horse. I also miss NYC. I sure loved being in that place. It was great. I miss feeling so needed, especially in the church. I miss my ward family. The Vellingas. The Smurthwaites. The Harris'. And Yes, even Brother Bucks dry monthly testimony. I miss the Bishop and his most wonderful wife. And now I am going to miss the triplets. Those little tyrants. This morning Tamara informed me that they have decided it would be better to put the children in day care and no longer need me. I cried all day. I have no idea what I'm going to do with myself. All I know is that I can't nanny again. I recall the words Mrs. Epstein (a neighbor in CT) told me one day while walking the kids to school together. She had been a nanny too. She said "At one point, I finally got sick of falling in love with other people's children and having to leave them." I didn't understand what she meant, really. I was perfectly happy with my dear Bonnie and Sarah. And then I left them. And now, I love those three little terrors and I have to let them go too. I just can't do it anymore. It's too hard. I think of Sarah and Bonnie every day. When things happen to me, random things that only happen to Miranda, I just want to tell Sarah. She loved my crazy stories. Bonnie makes me cry everytime she calls. I have no idea how people put their children up for adoption. I love those girls like their my own. I'd a done anything for them. Leaving them was by far the hardest thing I've ever had to do. That whole family was so wonderful. I miss Mike's daily "Did you ever think maybe I could do both?" and Felice was always there to talk to. I loved our late night talks. Some nights I even miss King Kong, Jezzabelle, and Chippy (our pet spiders). Sadly I had to kill Chippy because he was getting too big to live in my curtains above my bed anymore. I wonder if Jezzy and King Kong are still alive.

For a while now, long before that traumatizing accident after the Fray concert, i've been thinking a lot about death. I wonder what it's like. I wonder how it'll feel. I wonder how I'll go. How old I'll be. How much I'll leave behind. Will I go before Trevor? Do I really believe what the Church says about life after death? Is it really that simple?Will I feel any great loss? Or will it really be just natural? I don't know why I'm always wondering about it lately. It makes me nervous. Why would such things be on my mind? Is it because I've known of so many untimely deaths recently? Is it because I'm reading a book about war and death all around? But I've been thinking about it long before I began the series. Hmmm.....

On our drive to Idaho a few weeks ago, Trevor and I were talking about the Bridge Collapse in Mississippi. He casually sighed "It's just another sign of the second coming." But then I really started thinking about it. The Second Coming had always seemed like such an abstract idea to me. Something prophesied and true, but never seems like it's actually going to happen. It's just kinda vague. But I started imagining what it would be like. Would I be ready. When I've thought about it before, I've always imagined the joy I'd feel in seeing Jesus Christ again. But this time I thought of it in more of a reality. What about all those I love that don't believe as I do? If it were to come true in my life time, I would think that I'd be happy but also full of sorrow at the same time. I think it'll be a great day of weeping. Sure, there will be joy. But what of our brothers and sisters? What of all those I love so dearly, but don't believe in Jesus or God or anything? I think my heart will be joyous but heavy. It will be so bittersweet in the fullest meaning. Do you think Jesus would weep as well? He surely loves all those as much as (if not more than) I. It brings a new meaning to "the Great and Dreadful Day of the Lord."

I'm lovin' it.

I'm not completely moved in yet. It's hard finding places for your things. Trevor and I have been very blessed. Pretty much everything in our living room is free. We got a very nice black leather couch, futon, and black chair from a very well off friend of my brothers. He was remodeling and wanted to get rid of it, so we kindly took it off his hands. It's all really nice too. Last summer, while Trevor was doing summer sales in California, he met a woman who had a beautiful piano in her garage. She said she didn't want it anymore. He asked her the price. She said that if he could get it out of her garage that day, it was all his. Also lucky for us, Trevor's uncle is in the piano business. He goes to California occasionally and picks up a few, so he stored it for Trevor while he went to Connecticut, and then brought it to us. It is a gorgeous piano. It's got beautiful carvings and real ivory keys. It an antique, but plays beautifully. I love it. We also got a coffee table and end tables from a lady in Leah's ward. So we have a well furnished apartment, for a price I just adore. Once I get all moved in, you can come visit.

I love being married. I love that kid so much. He's so great. He's so patient with me, good at resolving conflict, great at massages, full of gratitude and good at expressing it (he learned to for sure from his parents. I've noticed they are like that too.), and handsome, a good kisser, my best friend, and tidy. I could go on forever. It's quite an adjustment to say the least to move in with some. All the boundaries I had before have moved or vanished and it's a bit different. But I wouldn't trade it for the world. I love him so. I love waking up to him in the morning and falling asleep with him at night. Sigh. I highly recommend getting married, at least when it's right. In the right way and the right place. Never never never compromise it.

Can't we all just get along?

I am burdened and very surprised at the way my family is acting. Most of all I'm just sad.

I feel unsupported. I'm so excited to marry Trevor. This is supposed to be the happiest time of my life, so why is no one happy with me? Aunts, siblings, my mother, nobody. Except one. The only one that has really even been around Trevor and I a lot. The only one that sees what I see in him. Which is a lot. Because he's an all around good guy. I've been especially sad (it brings me to tears at the thought) that I got a bridal shower in a room full of people I didn't even know, but when I'm in the place that I grew up. With people I've loved and known for years, no one even cares. I was told today that I'm just being selfish. Yes, we need the gifts. I won't deny that. We're poor. Very poor. But it's not really about that. I thought when I found the person I wanted to make eternal families with that I would celebrate with the ones I love. That I would be surrounded with happy and joyful and all that great stuff. They won't even celebrate with me, and I'm being called selfish for wanting my loved ones around.

In church yesterday, my bishop gave the combined priesthood/relief society lesson. He talked of some couples he married civilly since he's been bishop. He told of one couple where it was only them. They brought no family and said they wanted none there. He said what a sad thought that was. He also said that is the marriage that is struggling most. I don't know this couple's circumstances, but I am beginning to feel that way (except for Trevor's side. They've been wonderful. More than wonderful. I feel very welcomed and accepted into their family.) I just wish my family would show to him, my dearest love and treasure, the same kindness that his has shown me. After all, would they like it if I was being treated that way by his family? I don't understand why he's being ostracized. I don't understand why they're being so harsh. I don't understand why they're judging things so quickly about things they barely know. I don't understand the gossiping and the back biting. I don't understand about all the talk about his mistakes and "red flags" when they don't understand the whole background of everything. I don't understand this racism. And yes, that is what it is. I'm not gonna sugar coat it. You're being racist! Stop it!

The bottom line is he's not pulling me away. You are pushing me away. I am going to love him until the end, and I have no doubt that he will do the same for me. I love you Trevor J. Williams. I love you with everything I've got.

Wedding complaints and stresses

I don't care. I really don't. I don't care if it's green. I don't care if it's yellow. Either way it works. Heck make it pink. I don't care if it's country or rock. As long as it's not quiet or lame. (Ok so country is lame, but Trevor likes it so there's nothing I can really do). The only thing that really matters is that Trevor and I go to the Temple and get sealed for time and all the eternities. Also, I don't want the reception to be lame and boring (which is why I'm looking into dance dance revolution, karaoke, and pudding on flambe.)

And as for your opinions on whether you think Trevor is right for me or not, you can keep them to yourself. You've been around him a grand total of five minutes, and you already didn't like him because he's not the one you chose for me to marry. And now you're mad because I've made my own decisions on what I want for, oh that's right, my own life. Other dude was great. I'm glad I dated him. I'm glad we had such a good time together. But other dude left, and I sought out adventures of my own. He changed. I changed. I dated lotsa guys (2-3 a weekend at some points) and what I wanted changed. Other dude is not what I want. You'll see when he gets married and is really happy that things are so so much better this way. That she's better for him. And you'll see that Trevor is what I really want. Because he fits everything just right. And he compliments me so much better, and I him. We laugh together. And I just can't wait until we're married. So, if you think that I couldn't tell that you were talking about him as we stood happily in each others presence across the room, then maybe you should think again. I've been to junior high. I recognize those quick glances and hushed tones. Gossiping with others who have been around him even less than you. And now you're gonna wonder when you get my "obligation" announcement why I didn't invite you to the temple ceremony, because we're supposed to be family and we used to be best friends. And you're probably wondering now why I haven't answered your phone calls or taken you up on that free dinner you owe me. Or perhaps you're wondering why I don't come around more because I simply adore your children. Maybe it's because I know my priorities. I know who is going to help me to eternity. I know who I was commanded to cleave unto. I know who I'm supposed to be with. I have never had a clearer personal revelation than when I asked whether to marry Trevor, or see what happens with other dude.. I trust in the One who knows best for me, who knows me best. And there is no doubt that Trevor is to be my Eternal. He makes me happy, and more importantly I love to make him happy. It's the most rewarding thing I can do. I live for the twenty minutes we get to see each other between work and school. My heart aches for him all day. I wait for the time when he can just crawl in next to me after class, and we can hold each other all night. I love him.

And man, I wish those invites would get here already. We're little over three weeks away from the big day, and they're not even here yet. Think I'm stressed?

New job, New place, New life

Well I started my nanny job for four year old triplets. Two boys, one girl. I love it. They are funner than the funnest fun thing. They take about 4000 times more energy than my last job, but at least I'm never bored.

Alyssa is the boss. She rounds up the boys and keeps them in line. She also likes to keep to herself and play dolls.

Justin is the cuddler. He's the sweetheart. He's the most calm of the three.

Dylan is definitely not calm. He's the one you can't turn your back on for a second. If you do, he'll be in the fish tank eating the seaweed. Believe me, I know. He's done it.

Oh but they're so fun. I love storytime the best. When one is on my lap and the other two are leaning on my arms. It makes me want to be a mom sooooo bad. I can't wait to read to my children!

The basement apartment I am in is cold. It also likes to collect stinkbugs. So I have a wonderful smell constantly waiting for me. It is also very small. My closet back in Connecticut was bigger than this kitchen. Luckily it is only for a few months until I have a husband and we find an apartment together. The tenants upstairs are noisy. Their children often run rampant in my place. It's like a tornado came through. They're just lucky that I love my little neice and nephew more than anything. I love that they come and jump on my bed and throw my things all around. I've missed them so much. It's great to hang with Leah on my time off as well.

Everything is so different. I feel like I've just moved back from a foreign country. Everything is so slow paced and it's driving me CRAZY! It still surprises me how many church houses I see. I'm not used to that.

Also, I miss Trevor. I see a lot less of him now that we both work, and his school starts in two weeks. That will be even less time together. Luckily, it's only a few months, and then I'll get to see him every night.